When Does America's Got Talent Start Auditions???

" Mom, you just can't stop me. I am an arm-pit musician".

Fox just arm-pit farted the entire "Hey There Delilah" (by the Plain White T's) spoof from Sesame Street entitled "I'm the Letter T". Four minutes and counting, and the rhythms are dead on- he's even on key most of the time. He's also got "All the Single Ladies" by Beyonce and "Viva La Vida" (Coldplay)in his repertoire. He's trying to branch into new genres though, and is looking for a good jazz tune- anyone know any? (Can Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" be considered jazzy?) Apparently he's been working on his under-the-knee farts as well (because we all know that the great musicians can play more than one instrument), and thinks that the Sesame Street spoof of "You're Beautiful" (called "My Triangle") is coming along pretty well. Who knew the children's programming on PBS was inspiring as well as educational?

And here I was worried that he wouldn't have anything to perform at the school talent show next week.

Oh no- man down, man down! He has an arm cramp.

He's pushing on through the pain- what this boy will do for his art.

He did finally notice the down side (am I actually implying there's only one???) to his talent. While rubbing his sore arm he exclaimed "Oh man, it stinks. It smells like tacos....or the school's beef nuggets"

Anyone hungry for Mexican???

The Cheapest Birthday Present Ever...

Fox just asked for a box of croutons and a bottle of honey mustard for his birthday.


Maybe if he's really good between now and then I'll throw in some Gogurts as a bonus.

How to Give The King a Heart Attack

If I ever wanted to do away with The King and live a life of luxury and leisure off his life insurance, all I'd have to do is tell him that his 12 year old daughter is "going out" with a boy.

She's not at this moment, but from his reaction last night when I told him that she was on the phone with the boy she likes I'm convinced that all that stands between myself and all that money is concrete evidence that our daughter is a normal, hormone driven Tween.

Would he rather she not be normal? Does he want her to be the that girl, the one who stands on the sidelines, afraid to talk to anyone and feeling like she's inconspicuous and invisible because no one notices her. The King obviously doesn't get what it feels like to be a girl and hope that someone, anyone finds you attractive. It doesn't mean that you have to like them back, but it's a critical step in the development of a teen's self-esteem.

He still sees her as the 4 year old with bouncy curls, who wore pink sundresses and gave concerts of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Madonna's Beautiful Stranger (weird pick, I know, but she loved it when we watched Austin Powers). It's very heartwarming and endearing that he still thinks of her that way, but also dangerous to their relationship as she wants to be given more responsibilities and freedoms and he wants to keep her in pigtails and bobby socks.

So we come to the internal conflict that I battle over every time I have to play referee between the King and TQ. I really, truly believe that parents have to support and present a unified front when dealing with their children. However, I think the King's overreacting- in his mind talking to a boy= holding hands= kissing= sneaking out at night= pregnant teenager. What he is forgetting is that this is our daughter, the girls who is unfailingly responsible and honest. This is the child who came to me in the middle of the night a few weeks ago, sobbing that she was "the worst person on earth" because she had read Breaking Dawn behind my back when I had expressly forbidden it until she was at least 14. I never would have known had she not confessed, and she took her punishment of being banned from all things Stephenie Meyer/Twilight for the time being without any complaint. What is perhaps more impressive is that she admitted to me that she had bad feelings when she was reading it, and she knew that they came not just from disobedience but from reading material that was not appropriate for her age and maturity. This child is amazing.

I'm inclined to keep sticking up for her on the "talking to boys on the phone" issue. Maybe it's my own insecurities from that age rearing their ugly head, but I want her to know that I trust her to make good decisions. Besides, she's probably a little too much like me and I think it behooves her to learn how to flirt now rather than later when her "rabid feminist" gene kicks in and boys everywhere will run for their life.

What Kind of Person Doesn't Love a Puppy?

If you've ever wondered if you are the worst parent on earth, worry no more.

You couldn't have possibly done anything worse than what I just did.

I gave away the puppy.

Yes, I suck. I am a heartless monster.

There's not much that I can say to defend myself, other than I was just sick of dealing with her. Puppies need lots of love and attention, and I just didn't have it in me to give. When it came down to it, the dog and the Man Child required constant supervision and discipline, and well, I couldn't give my son away if he never caught on to potty training.

Last night we put an add on KSL.com and within 5 minuted of being posted we had probably 20 calls. I think the combination of the words "free" and "puppy" made the offer irresistible. We even had 2 families race to get over here- it was a first come/first dibs offer. A lovely woman with a 4 year old daughter ended up the winner. Ezzie will really be loved bu this little family, and I think in a way Heavenly Father made us the conduit for His blessings. This woman, you see, recently underwent a hysterectomy. She is still very young, so having the ability to have more children taken away was devastating. Ezzie will be like a child to her and her husband, and a sibling to her daughter. That's exactly the type of family Ezzie needs and deserves. She is will so happy and adored.

It broke my heart to watch Ezzie leave, not because I would miss her but because Fox and TQ were trying to be so strong in front of the new owners, but it was impossible to keep the tears at bay for long. Fox cried hard but only for a few minutes-he was less attached and still a little scared of her. TQ, however, retreated to her room and would only emerge when I bribed her with popcorn. Her eyes were bloodshot for crying. Knowing that only 2 people on earth could cheer her up, I called my parents and they took over the consoling. Within a few minutes (and due to some self-deprecating humor, I'm sure- you are THE BEST mom and dad) she was laughing and so recovered that she was able to list off what she wanted for her birthday next week. Aunt Fancy is taking her for a spa day. Poor grandma has the unfortunate job of finding the perfect clothes-TQ has gotten really picky in the last year. But she will- she's magic and perfection all rolled up into a beautiful and unconditionally loving package. Thank you, thank you, thank you mom.

Someday I think the kids will come to understand the reasons behind my actions. Some day they will be parents and fell like at the end of the day they have given everything and all that they have to their family, and there is just nothing left over for themselves. They'll be so tired that they wish they could sleep for hours and days on end. But they won't, because they know their family had to come first. But in the process of trying to be Superparent, some concessions and hard choices have to be made.

Until then, I'm okay with them being mad at me. I'm mad at me too. I wish I could do everything and be everything I think I should be. Superwoman I'm not, but then again she never was real.

Just a Rhetorical Question

Why on earth did I just stay up until 1 in the morning downloading pictures to a blog entry that took 5 minutes to write and is no where nearly as important as sleep????

Oh right, because I'm INSANE!!!!

Where Do Moms Go On Business Trips?

The King just called me from Las Vegas to tell me that his hotel, The Encore, puts every other hotel he's been in to shame. That's saying a lot as he's traveled every where and has stayed in just about every chain and hotel imaginable. It's better than the Phoenician in Phoenix, the St. Regis in San Francisco or The Grand in Salt Lake City. I'm pretty sure he went on to tell me exactly why it is so amazing, but I zoned out after I heard that the TV welcomed him when he turned it on.

I, on the other hand, spent the evening listening to the MC yell "Porn! I want Porn!!!" (porn= popcorn in Man Childese). As soon as everyone was in bed I realized that the sprinklers had been on for an awfully long time so I had to go outside and get drenched in secondary water(aka. poop water) while trying to get the stupid broken sprinkler valve to shut off. When I went to shower off the poopy water so that I didn't grow a third eye overnight, my shampoo was all gone. And I forgot to bring a towel into the bathroom.

When I finally got into bed and turned on the tube, my TV didn't say "hello, most wonderful and gracious lady of the house. I hope you have an enjoyable night". Instead, it decided to record a rerun of Criminal Minds rather than the new Scrubs. No new CSI New York either.

Sometimes being the domestic goddess sucks.

At the End of the 12 Step Program....

I think I have really, truly conquered my swearing habit.

I know I haven't sworn in a year (well, except for 1 slip up a few months ago), but today I passed the ultimate test of "swearing sobriety"

Wile working on the patio wall, I dropped a cinderblock on my finger. It blew up immediately and is now a lovely shade of purple.

What I wanted to shot was "Bleep. this stupid bleepidy bleeping project! I hate you bleepin cobblestones."

Instead, all I said was "shoot, shoot, shoot" and "oh fudge".

Impressive, hugh? There was even no one around but the dog, so I could have totally cheated and no one would be the wiser.

But I prevailed. I think I can safely play church basketball once more without worrying that I'll drop a "d" or "h" word every time I do something ridiculous.

One flaw down, three thousand more to go.