I know it's pretty crappy of me to do this after taking such a long summer hiatus, but I really need to vent and since I vowed to myself that I wouldn't spew my negative feelings to the HUGE audience of Facebook, I'm going to do it here where no one will see it :) Sometimes I just get so many thought rolling in my head and I need a way to express them or I'll combust.
The past three months have been really trying. Not trying in a major catastrophe, trial or illness way, but in a personal, emotional way. I have questioned my faith in humanity so many times it's ridiculous. I mean really, how are you supposed to see the good and beautiful in people when you are given so much evidence of how much they can suck sometimes? Harsh, yes. I'm sorry I even put that statement out there. But I'm trying to be honest, and that's how I've honestly felt the last few months. A person I really respect and admire, when talking to me a while ago about one of the demoralizing instances that they witnessed first hand (and harbored a lot of my same feelings because of it), asked me how I am able to stay so positive. I was as truthful with him as I have ever been in my entire life. I told him that what he saw on the outside was in no way a reflection of how I felt inside, but I didn't want to poison everyone around me by expressing it. (Irony alert: I'm doing that just now). But now, in this moment, I've been able to reflect on all I've learned from these bad experiences and I must say, although some people really stink, there are also soooo many wonderful ones who support and love me. I think I took them for granted because they are always there, constant and firm, and it wasn't until I placed them in comparison with all the negative people that I saw what true gems they are. I have an amazing family that consists of brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces and nephews that I treasure. My husband is a rock and true friend, and my kids are the joy of my life. I have had the opportunity to work with some of the coolest, strongest and funnest women over the past three years in YW, and I treasure their friendship. There are friends and neighbors who hide immense strength and resiliency behind simple, quiet exteriors. You could travel to the end of the earth and back and not find better people. Looking at them, learning from them helps me remember that not everyone is cruel. Not everyone says what they want without feeling or regard for others. Not everyone treats those who can't defend themselves with disdain and prejudice. I know now that I rely on these remarkable people and their example so much, more than I every thought possible. I hope I get the opportunity to let each of them know how much I have relied on their kind words, their smile in passing, or off-the-wall talks until 4 in the morning to keep me going. They've been my life-line, and I can only hope that one day I can be the same for someone else.
I'm sure this makes absolutely no sense, but thanks blogger for letting me get that out.