Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Proud Parenting Moments....

Man Child: "No go to bed. I watch Earl" (as in My Name Is Earl, a totally appropriate show for a 3 year old). New words he's bound to pick up from tonight's episode: douche bag, butthole, tongue down a stripper's throat, dumb@$$.....

Man Child: "Shut up dad"- earlier today it was "Shut up Fox". If he's going to be disrespectful and inappropriate at least he's sticking to his own gender.

(Note to The King, because you're the one who allows him to watch it: absolutely no more Earl for MC, no matter how nicely he sits through it without saying a word)
TQ: "Bubble wrap is cheap, therapy is expensive. You choose"

Man CHild: "Thank you for Poppa, Gama, Clifford (he omits 'The Big Red Dog', and he's right to; the name is redundant. It's pretty obvious Clifford is big, red, and a dog)". MC's standard meal and evening prayer. Apparently these are the only 3 things he loves.

The King: "We DO NOT pee in a garbage can or any other container including empty soda bottles just because you don't want to stop playing Rock Band."

Loma: "Okay, who plugged mom and dad's toilet AGAIN???"

Fox is conspicuously absent from the list (well, except for one entry in which the culprit was not named but let's just say it wasn't a girl and it wasn't the boy who still wears diapers), mostly because he has spent the last 3 days sick in bed with a stomach bug. The poor kid catches everything.

So that he doesn't feel left out I think I'll mention that he has vomited on the floor twice.

No man is left behind in this house.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Anyone Remember Three Men and a Baby??

Boy in the corner behind the curtains: Urban legend or "bring your kid to work then misplace them" day on the set?

I have to admit, when I was a wee tween and the mysterious "ghost boy" was pointed out to me I freaked out a little. They had to notice the boy when shooting- he was SO obvious. There was no reasonable explanation for how the director, producers, camera men, lighting dudes, food service people, editors, and screeners missed the blatantly out-of-place extra in the scene.

He had to be a phantom. A phantom that haunted Tom Selleck. Because he hated his mustache.

At least I thought so until today, over 20 years since the 3M&AB ghost first encited an entire week worth of night terrors (yes, I'm a bit of a wuss. Watcher in the Woods is still the scariest movie I've ever seen).

Today, we downloaded our pictures from Thanksgiving at The Grand America. The King really wanted to take some pictures of the kids and I in their beautiful hallway. The boys wouldn't cooperate but TQ and I were totally up for an impromptu photo shoot. Upon viewing the results, I realised that we had NO IDEA where The Man CHild was for the 10 minutes we were posing, and that I should feel really blessed that he entertained himself hiding in the 15' Parisian curtains that are worth more than my car rather than running up and down the hall screaming like the exorcist.

A new urban legend is born.

Warning: If You Have No Sense of Humor Concerning Max Hall's Tirade Stop Reading Now

My brother and fellow Ute alumnus sent me the following email on Saturday and I've been itching all weekend to post it. Unfortunately a certain SOMEONE (no names here- I hate ratting people out, but by someone I might just mean a certain 5'4" twelve year old with brown hair who wears infinitely nicer clothes than her mother- who incidentally just so happens to have the patience and forgiving heart of a saint!!) tried to access my google account and got my password all messed up so that I had to wait until TODAY. Hopefully it is worth the wait:

SALT LAKE CITY, UT - In response to BYU quarterback Max Hall's recent statements, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has adopted an amendment to its Thirteenth Article of Faith. The revised declaration now reads, in pertinent part, "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men except those affiliated with the University of Utah , its football team, or fans thereof."

Additionally, LDS Church spokesman LaVerne Christiansen stated that General Authorities who had received academic degrees from the University of Utah would be immediately granted emeritus status and removed from their callings. "Except for President Monson," Christiansen explained, "because he repented of his [University of] Utah Bachelor's Degree by getting an MBA from the Lord's One True University ."

In related news, church scholars engaged in the Joseph Smith Papers Project have reported that they have recently discovered Smith's personal notes regarding the "inspired" translation of Matthew 5:44. "The King James Version has Christ telling his disciples to 'love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you,' which is all very good," said Project Editor F. Merrill Baker, Jr., "but the [newly discovered] Prophet's translation includes a caveat, making it clear that the Lord's pronouncement doesn't apply to the Utes."

"It's marvelous," continued Baker, who holds a doctorate in archival archaeology from Brigham Young University, "and it reveals that even though the University of Utah wasn't founded until 1850--more than five years after his death--Joseph Smith knew by the spirit of prophecy and inspiration that its football fans would spill their beer on BYU fans."

Just in case you didn't follow the admonition in my title and are now super offended and ready to turn me into my local church leaders for apostasy, might I remind you that THIS IS FAKE. You can't find it in the SL Tribune or the U's student newspaper, so don't even try. Besides, it won't work; I happen to know that my Bishop isn't a BYU fan.

Church is true people.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

So How Exactly Does Kelly Kepalski Fit Into All This???

Did anyone else watching the Tuesday night premiere of "Scrubs" Medical School" have a deja vu flashback to "Saved By The Bell: The College Years"?????

Just asking.

Never mind. Turk and JD have way to much guy love going on to ever be likened to the rivals/sometimes friends Zach and AC Slater.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Crazy Much????

In the last 24 hours I have painted my half bathroom a total of 4 different colors: Bright green, brown green, yellow, and finally gray-green.

I have serious issues.

But 4 gallons of semi gloss later, the bathroom looks fabutastic. I have to remind myself that it's only a guest bath and as we are unloved and unvisited (hint hint) it rarely gets used except by the 6-10 year old piano students who occasionally consumed too much water in their "after school but before lessons" snack.

Oh well, it sure does look purdy.

Monday, November 30, 2009

I'm Trying To Be Mature About This.......

Oh, did you hear that BYU beat Utah on a "last play of the game" TD in overtime on Saturday?

Nail biter much???

Yeah, that's all I have to say about that.

Oh, but I must address Max Hall's post game comments:

#1- Dude, you need to move on with your life. I am truly sorry that your family was persecuted at the game. But blame the few individuals who acted like classless bums, not the whole university and half of Utah's population.

#2- Both BYU and Utah fans need to get a life. If your entire year is centered around this one rivalry game you really need to get out more. Or find another team to follow so that your attention is divided and life is more balanced.

#3- I love the University of Utah. I love the people, the teachers, the campus, the environment and culture......I could go on and on. I went to BYU for 2 years before transferring to the U. While BYU was a great school with wonderful programs and people, it never felt like home. From the moment I walked onto President's Circle at the U and immediately fell in love with the architectrue and history of the buildings I knew I was where I belonged. My daughter spent the first years of her life living in U married student housing, attending U preschool and spending almost every Friday night at a football or basketball game. In the much villified student section I might add. I think that's why she's such a fan now- she identifies with the school and culture as much as The King and I do. Our "U" years are a vital past of our history as a family. In the best days of my life, the day my husband and I both graduated from the U ranks only behind our wedding day and the births of our children. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Univeristy of Utah

A Uath Man Am I!
Ahhh, the post holiday depression settles in.

I love Thanksgiving weekend. I think I love it more than Christmas.

I love that my kids are home, my hubby is home, and no piano lessons for 3 days.

It's a beautiful thing.

This year we decided to break out on our own for the first time in the almost 14 years we've been married. We would have done it sooner, but the problem was that I hate to cook and I hate most Thanksgiving foods. Hence, going to the fam or the fam-in-laws made much more sense than eating pb &j at home and calling it a holiday.

But this year we decided to take that bull by the horn and venture out on our own.

All the way to the Grand America Thanksgiving buffet in Salt Lake.

I won't tell you how much it cost. You might die. I almost did.

But it was worth every penny because (A) I didn't have to cook and so (B) I didn't have to touch raw meat and (C) the kids got to eat whatever they wanted and as much as they wanted until they were so full their little tummies almost burst. (Which we warned them before hand that they MUST eat until they wanted to die to validate the $$$$ that was being spent). Their plates were filled with the traditional Thanksgiving foods, but also included waffles, crepes, personalized omlets, salads, cheese, chocolate covered strawberries, parfaits, cream puffs shaped like turkeys, candy, oh I could go on and on. If you've never been to a buffet at The Grand you must go at least once before you die. They do the same spread on Easter and Mother'd Day but as those are Sunday holidays we've never been.

It was amazing.

Some might say that's not a "real" Thanksgiving, but all I say say in reply is that the kids didn't fight once, they ate eveything in sight, and they'll always remember the year we went to the Grand for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure what we'll do next year. Maybe we'll hit the buffet again, but we're leaning towards going out of town. Who knows. All I know is that I want it to be special and different, kind of like us.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Two Simple Words....

Two words which, when uttered by a child, can never bring about anything good....


I know. Gospel truth, right?

Rites of Passage.....

A guilty conscience is a very valuable thing.

This morning on the way to school, Fox decided that he needed to come clean and confess to some stealth nighttime activities that had occurred late last night.

Where was I during these covert activities? Blissfully unaware of anything but my nice warm bed and footsie PJ's. As The King is in Maryland at the moment, I enjoyed the freedom and power of a remote control I rarely get to touch, and shows he'll never, ever watch with me (aka. "eye candy" shows like The Mentalist. Mmmmm.... Simon Baker).

His confession does explain the door slams I kept hearing, but failed to care enough to check out. I was warm people.

Apparently Fox got the itch at bed time to prank his big sis. Sneaking downstairs (which actually didn't require all that much "sneaking" because mom was in her "happy place", but the fear of being caught is half the fun, right?), he grabbed one of the Man Child's sippy cups out of the cupboard and then dashed back upstairs.

A cup??, you ask.

Not just any cup- one with an airtight lid.

You have to know where I am going with this- at least if you have a brother, or boy friends, or cousins, or have had any prolonged exposure to adolescent males.

Yes, he took that cup and farted into it.

Of course, the trick is not actually farting on cue. Any red blooded boy can do that. It's getting the lid on quickly enough that the fumes don't dissipate.

Fart jar in hand, Fox took his "present" to his sister's door and knocked. The poor, trusting girl actually let him in. Fortunately for her, Fox hasn't quite mastered the laws of gases so when he ripped the lid off and laughed maniacally, "can you smell that? Muahhahaha", he basically diffused the odor into the entire space.

I can only image how let down he must have felt when TQ answered "Not really".

Next time, make HER open the can son.

Even though it didn't have the effect he was hoping for, all in all it was a valiant first effort at gross out boy behavior. Where do they come up with these ideas? Who was the first guy to say "I wonder what would happen if I farted in a cup?" I think it has to be one of the classic nature vs. nurture situations. Within each Y chromosome comes the instruction to pee in public, moon everyone in sight, belch so loudly it hurts your ears, and fart with no abandon or embarrassment. That gene just needs a trigger to be turned on. Perhaps it's puberty, or all the preservatives in the potato chips and microwave bean burritos. For Fox, I'm sure the idea has been stewing in the back of his brain for a while now, ever since his dad told him about the time on his mission when he and his comps farted into bottles after a particularly spicy and greasy Gualeloupian meal and then mailed then to the missionaries on the other island in their area. Then the doofus called to see if the poor guys got their package and how bad it smelled. Their efforts, unlike my son's, were successful. Gagging ensued, mouth vomiting occurred, eyes watered and tooth brushes induced bleeding gums while trying to scour out the fume. They probably had to go to counseling after.

So the lesson from all of this?

Don't ever open a sealed jar unless you're sure it came from a chick.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Back To Earth...

I just remember what I started to blog about when The King called down from the boys room (see previous post)

I was so sidetracked by the sweetness of the moment that I almost forgot that my 2 year old went all sexist on me earlier.

I was in the kitchen going through emails when MC walked out of my bedroom and yelled (and I kid you not here)

Woman! You get me the remote

Oh no you didn't kid!

The King claims that there is no way he could have said that (where on earth would MC have heard that he asked. Hmmmm. I wonder????). But I know what I heard.

No one has called me woman since my Puerto Rican Grandpa was babysitting us when I was 11 and he demanded, "woman, go get the men a drink"- the "men" being him and my 10 year old brother. It took every ounce of willpower I had to respectfully serve my grandpa and smirking brother, then vow to reap revenge on men everywhere for the remainder of my days.

I've matured a little since then.

But that sword wielding feminist still lives on inside the stay at home, piano teaching Mormon housewife I've become. And when my 2 year old had the gall to call me woman, She Ra almost erupted out of my skin and took him down.

Instead I let his dad deal with him.

Exactly how early is too early to start reading The Feminine Mystique to him?


Not 30 seconds after The King went up to the boys room to turn off the light, I heard his soft whisper calling my name, imploring:

You have to come see this....

The first thought that went through my head?

"Oh crap, what have they destroyed now!!!"

As you can imagine I was less that surprised, due to my uncanny motherly clairvoyance, to find immediately upon entering their room the inevitable mess, but no Man Child in sight. What was disturbing, in light of the Titanic grade disaster, was the look on The King's face- it was almost endearing.

Something was very off with this crime scene.

Where's MC? I asked.

The lower bunk was empty, his bedding torn from the mattress and scattered all over the floor with a collection of Lego's, books and cars.

The King pointed to the upper bunk, but all I could see was Fox's peaceful sleeping form.

Look closer- look underneath his head he answered

I climbed on the nearby desk and from the higher elevation was immediately able to see the why my hubby was standing in the middle of a tornado of a mess with a look on his face like he'd just seen an angel.

They boys had fallen asleep together on Fox's bunk, where he reads MC a story every night. They fell asleep snuggling, with Fox's head still resting on the side of MC's chubby little belly.

A few months ago a miracle happened. The Man Child discovered that his big brother is the coolest person on earth. Subsequently, Fox discovered just how great it is to have someone adulate and idolize you. Every day when we drop Fox off at school, MC begs for hugs and kisses from Fox before he can leave the truck. He calls out the window, "bye Fox, bye Fox, bye Fox" as many times as it takes for his big brother to turn back around and give him a big wave and a "bye buddy, I'll see you after school". From that moment until exactly 3:00 when we pull out of the garage, MC asks if we can "go get Fox now". The is no smile bigger on his face all day than that given to his brother when he runs across the school parking lot at 3:25.

They are best friends.

Thank you Man Child, for making Fox your hero and thank you Fox, for being a big brother who is worthy of being emulated.

Happy Hour At La Casa de Loma

This is what I came upstairs to this evening after a long afternoon of piano lessons.....

I could have easily joined their downer parade, but then one wet smooch from a dirty, crumby mouth made my heart smile.

Then everyone starting showing some love.

I think we picked our earthly families long before Heavenly Father kissed us goodbye and sent us on this crazy journey of mortality. We may drive each other nuts sometimes, but I can't imagine 4 other people I love more in this world and who I can't fathom an eternity without.

Monday, November 2, 2009

And the Evidence Keeps On Building.....

The Man CHild just told Fox to "shut up"

I am going to h&## in a handbasket for sure.

He just says it with such authority that it's almost funny.

Notice I said almost.

See, Loma good mom.

10 Lessons Learned on Halloween

#1: If you are going to have a party for 30 thirteen year olds, forgo the nice expensive Lofthouse cookies and homemade garlic bread and just buy 10 pizzas and 20 two liters of drink. Plates, cups and napkins are also unnecessary.

#2 At said party, buy earplugs for everyone within a mile radius NOT attending the party so that you maintain neighborly goodwill and familial affection.

#3 If your 9 year old gets the Swine Flu on All Hallows Eve, try to convince him during the peak of his 104 degree fever hallucinations that all of the doorbell rings are actually the sounds of happy little birds floating around his head NOT his friends and neighbors enjoying trick-or-treating without him.

#4 Quit using slang in front of your children. When The Man Child dropped his pizza he cried out to the delight of all the teenagers present, "OH FRICK!". You know what that actually sounded like. Needless to say, they didn't mind him hanging out with them too much after that.

#5 If you want your children to become famous philanthropists, you should probably teach them to say what they are really thinking only in the presence people who will love them no matter what they say/think, or at least when the window is NOT open. For example, while driving through downtown Salt Lake The Man Child yelled to the homeless man walking down the sidewalk "That Man Stinks!" My reply of "holy crap, close the freaking window if you are going to judge people" was probably not my best parenting moment.

#6 If you want to compete with the full on multiple fatality Halloween crime scene staged in the cul-de-sac down the road you'd better put on a better show than just running the Thriller video on a tarp via projector in your front yard and turning the flog machine on full blast.

#7 If you plan on using a fog machine, warn your neighbors so that they don't call the fire department thinking your house is engulfed in flames (this lesson was actually learned last year but it doesn't hurt to reiterate).

#8 Swine flu can actually be a blessing if you haven't finished your sons' costumes.

#9 Make sure your sons don't choose to be characters that were popular 2 decades ago and the only way you can buy an "authentic" costume is to shell over $75 bucks or more to some collector on Ebay who has probably role played in them a little too often for me to ever be comfortable having the fabric ever touch my kids' skin.

#10 Watcher in the Woods was scary when I was 13, but toady's teenagers are just too jaded or emotionally numb to get a single goose bump raised by it. They also don't appreciate the brilliance of Willow, and clearly their hormones are out of whack because they cannot understand why we oldies thought Val Kilmer was hot. Ice Man children, Ice Man!

So that's Halloween 2009 for La Casa de Loma. The holiday left me with a basement to re-clean (ground m&m's and smarties to pry out of the carpet and teenager smell detoxification), candy and cookies to pawn off on unsuspecting neighbors and students so that The Food Nazi (aka The King) can stop freaking out about all the calories and fat, and the pieces of 2 almost Ghostbuster costumes to figure out what to do with. Anyone need a proton pack? Anyone, anyone? No?


Oh, and for a good laugh........
That was then (2008).....

This is now

Being the Food Nazi really has paid off! What a hottie!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Total Male Domination

Just seconds ago The King told Fox-who was sniffing around my dinner plate begging for scraps of rice and beans- that it was time to get in the shower.

Fox immediately started groaning and when I pre-empted the whine fest, he tried to explain himself by uttering the 7 greatest words to ever come out of his mouth.

But I thought you were the boss.

I Have Established Total control.

Can I hear an Amen and a Hallelujiah?

Post script- To be read in the voice of Will Arnet
Of course, the Man Child just destroyed the entire roll of duct tape that I use to keep his diapers on him during nap time in what could only be a sign of rebellion against the dictatorship know as Mom and Dad, but if I've conquered Fox that means I can now exert all my energy into that little monster. You should have tried to ally with your brother MC. Now you stand alone. (See why I picked Will's voice? It's epic)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Apology- Well Kind Of)....

About that last post,

I am truly warped.

'Nuff said.

Who Needs A Snuggly When You Have a Onesie??

How did I celebrate the Utes' overtime win today and BYU's demoralizing, kick in the teeth loss to TCU?

I went out and bought myself some onesie pj's.

Pajamas with feet might just be the greatest clothing creation of all time. We snuggle babies in them from the moment the leave the nice, warm womb and enter the cold and dreary world. I always mourned the day when my kids graduated into 2 piece nightwear. It meant they were getting older and no longer qualified as babies or toddlers.

(Insert a trumpet fanfare going off in the back ground, indicating a moment of great realization has occured)

Oh. Crap.

Maybe I'm regressing and my desire for to wear baby jammies is really a yearning to return to the safety and peace of my mother's womb. Hmmm, I'll have to talk to her about that.....

(Now, a quick dash down the hall)

Mom said that's fine with her. We have a re-entry scheduled for later this evening after she finishes her lesson for church tomorrow. She's such a good planner and always thinks 3 steps ahead. I can't believe she said yes- it's overly generous, even for her. My mom just gives and gives and gives.

Well, I guess I'll have to sit back and enjoy my onesies for a few more hours till she's ready. If you don't see me for a while don't worry. I'm just chillin' in mom's belly at the homestead while I work out some things.

Re-birth never happened. I realized that Diet Coke would be hard to come by invitro so I guess I'll have to hash out my issues some other way. Maybe I'll just sleep in the fetal position for a few weeks and see if that solves anything.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

When Sharks Attack, and Cookies For Breakfast...

When I was growing up, the last thing I ever thought I'd adore being when I grew up was a mom to boys. I HATED teenage boys. They were mostly bullies and jerks with questionable hygiene. Each and every one of them thought they deserved nothing less than a "10" for a girlfriend; never mind that they probably only qualified as a 6 themselves (and that's being very generous and allowing for potential after they finally hit puberty). When people excused their bad behavior as "boys will be boys" I wanted to rip their eyes out. What does that even mean? So it's okay to be a complete neanderthal because you have a Y chromosome and I do not? I'd like to see that stand up in court.

But then I went to college and was finally introduced to men. Men are what teenage boys turn into after they hit puberty and their brains finally start working at nearly full capacity. Men are wonderful; they are kind, loving, supportive and surprisingly sensitive. They bring you flowers and kiss you on the cheek at the doorstep on your first date. They try to make you dinner and even though it tastes like garbage you eat it willingly because you can't bear breaking their heart. Men promise to love you, not just for this life, but for eternity.

Having now seen this evolution, it's easier to understand what "boys will be boys" means. Sure they are disgusting at times, rude at others, never stop eating and take obnoxiousness to the level of art, but behind those behaviors are quiet, less obvious moments where you see the man starting to form. I see it every time Fox makes a gigantic mess doing one of his "experiments" that involves lots of water, dirt, and every pot in the kitchen. In between the "oh crap am I in trouble" look, there is a brightness to his eyes and excitement over his last great discovery that make me stop mid "Clean this mess up RIGHT NOW and never do it..." and laugh. Or when he sits in front of the tv for hours on end and my first impulse is to give him a lecture on how his room is a mess and he was supposed to go clean it right after school instead of being glued to the tube, but he first comes to me crying because he just watched a baby sea lion get eaten by it shark and he is inconsolably heartbroken. Perhaps only I can understand why it makes my heart smile every time the Man Child asks for "snack time" even though he's just finished the last "snack" thirty minutes ago, or why his cookie crumb smile makes me warm inside instead of frustrated over messy clothes and an even messier floor.

In my boys' bright eyes and crooked smiles I can see the men they will become, great men like their father, and it makes me so proud to be their mom. I don't know what people on the outside think of them- frankly, I don't want to know. I'm sure they only see the same things I saw in the boys I grew up with, the things that overshadow the little moments of brilliance that no one but a mom really perceives and discovers.

Thank heaven for little boys....

Monday, October 19, 2009

80's Hair Bands, Mohawks, and Dysfunctional Adults Mentoring Dysfunctional Teenagers: 3 Reasons Why I Love Wednesday Night...

I am in love.

Not ovary tingling love. Good heavens, I've been married for going on 14 years. The King and I are in this forever.

No, it's the kind where you become so obsessed you can't think about anything else. The kind of love where the object of your affection is almost a drug. Like an addict, you would do just about anything for a hit. You stalk it on the web and google everyday hoping some new photo or juicy video has been leaked onto the world wide web. When you find such a treasure you look/watch it over and over and over. You can't get enough.

I am in love with Glee.

You know a show is not just good but remarkable when you love, or love-to-hate every single character on it. Each is tragically flawed, but that only makes them perfect caricatures of humanity as a whole. For example:

*Mr. Shuester (aka Mr. Shue or Will): The guy who forgoes wealth and prestige to take the "honorable" road of teaching and mentoring but cannot see the truth staring him in the face- that his lazy, self-indulged has been cheerleader of a wife is faking her pregnancy and he's really in love with the OCD riddled, doe eyed school counselor.

*Rachel Berry: Insanely talented and pretty in a quirky, Barbara Streisand kind of way, but obnoxious to the point that she deserves all the slushies thrown in her face. She redefines Diva to a point that Mariah Carey and Celine almost look humble. And yet, I'm rooting for her and Finn and I love that her most selfless and vulnerable moments are when she is with him.

*Finn: I bet his mother called him Man Child when he was growing up too. He's is lanky, horribly uncoordinated and dumb as a brick but he is also lovable and endearing- kind of like a puppy. When he told Quinn he wanted to name their daughter Drizzle I wanted to both pat his head patronizingly and slap him silly for being so dumb that he actually thought he could get his girlfriend preggers through, well, watch the show. I love that his voice is raw and untrained and getting better every week.

*Quinn: Shame on you girl. Preggo by your boyfriend's BFF, and then you have the nerve to call your baby daddy a "Lima Loser" when he offers to step up and take responsibility. It's nice to see the snobby, cruel Cheerio slip down the social ladder a few notches, but her social demise is not as satisfactory as you'd hope when you see her crying in despair over the reality of being a teenage mother-to-be and having to face the disappointment of her family and the humiliation of the entire student body knowing that the Celibacy Club Pres. has to turn in her chastity belt.

*Sue Sylvester: Crass, racist, abusive, anti everything under the sun that smells remotely like it came from a democrat- the perfect villain. She's so good at being bad that she might just be the reason why "witch" lost the w and got replaced with that other letter. The one after A.

*Emma: As a fellow germophobe, I feel her pain every time she wipes down a door handle before touching it or becomes panicked when someone touches her food. Her crush on Will is sweet, but not sickeningly sick- more like diabetic approved sweet. My heart broke for her when she accepted Ken's proposal, but I cant help but want to see her pick up his sweaty and sporadically washed John Stockton gym shorts off their bedroom floor while wearing a gas mask and rubber gloves.

*Puck: You've gotta love a guy who can rock a Mohawk while expressing his sensitive side by serenading the local cougars who employ him to clean their pools, and um, other things. At first I really hated him for his relentless persecution of the music geeks- mostly because I was one back in high school and I still haven't really accepted the fact that I always have been and forever will be uncool. But when he revealed that he thought moms are hot he had a fan for life. We are hot, right moms? Sure we've given our youthful bodies away to pregnancies, childbirth and never having a free moment to ourselves but man, we can work it! You just go ahead an appreciate the beauty that is a mother with stretch marks and saggy boobs Puck.

I could go on and on, as I have failed to touch the other great characters in this comedy of error, but the hour is late and the eyes grow weary. Let me then give a special honorable mention to Kurt, Tina and Ken for being unique and always leaving me wanting more, and to Wheels and Mercedes for killer pipes. I could listen to "Bust a Window" over and over and over.

Speaking of music, have I mentioned that the Glee songs are AMAZING!!! I love the reworks of great classics and modern music, but my favorite has to be the mashup of Bon Jovi and Usher from 2 weeks ago. I've had a serious thing for Jon Bon Jovi since Middle School, and my Glee boys did him proud. We have purchased every available Glee song on iTunes and there is rarely a family car ride where we don't have one of their songs pumping.

So I guess we all have a crush on Glee in a way. Fox can almost sing Journey's "Don't Stop Believe" in tune, and the Man Child jumps in on the "da, da, da, da da"'s with energy, a rhythmic head bob and a few great booty shakes from his car seat. Family bonding moments are important you know.

I heard a rumor the other day that the Glee cast might go on tour this summer. If it's true, be still my heart. Oh, and you'd better invest in some really good security. I've never been a stalker before but for Glee I might just become a roadie.

Freudian Slip, or Just Really Optimistic???

Today the Man Child asked to watch a DVD that I haven't seen since Fox was in pull ups.

He brought it to me and garbled " I watch asbdaksd asdlasd???'


Again, "I watch asdasd asdasdfskdjfh?"

Thinking that this was a prime opportunity to work on his still-limited vocabulary, I corrected him saying "It's POWER RANGERS"- emphasizing each syllable slowly.

He obviously really grasped on to my teaching moments because he started the sentence again, this time making every word clear as a bell.

"I watch power wieners?"

Sure kid. Close enough.

Can You Say "I Suck" In 10 Different Languages???

I realized today that I blow at blogging.

If there is anything semi-stressful or time consuming going on at La Casa de Loma, the last thing I want to do is write about it. I could have spent the last 4 weeks giving daily reports on the progress of my brand spankin new French Country kitchen rehab, but I have made a commitment to not swear (I year and counting with only 2 flubs!) and should I have tried to reflect on the misery that is kitchen overhaul I would have made up for the entire 12 months sans potty mouth.

Needless to say, as I have taken the time today to sit and check this little, insignificant piece of the world called my blog, I am almost done. I can see the end. A little more sanding, a few more coats of paint and some grout and I will reclaim the kitchen as the place for doing homework and eating takeout. Oh, and occasionally cooking.

Pray for me- I'll need all the endurance I can get to finish the last stretch!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

In our house the end of summer is not marked by TQ and Fox's return to school (although I have to shout a giant Halle-freaking-lujah for that great day!). No, in La Casa de King autumn is here when the power tools get pulled out and the garage gets turned into a workshop once again.

You see, we are creatures of habit. In the fall and through January, The King and I find dozens of home improvement projects indoors to keep us busy every weekend that we are not at Utah games. Last year we installed the wood floors in the entry, painted the entire 2nd and 3rd floors and put up enough fancy-schmancy finish work to just border on insanity. Burnout eventually occurs around February, so we hibernate until April when the energy returns and our eyes turn to the outdoors. From April to July we work with a vengeance on yard projects, but once the 100+ degree weather hits we throw our hands in the air and hope too many weeds can't grow in the scorching desert heat.

I used to favor the outdoor projects, but as I have learned to use and appreciate power tools I find myself anticipating the return of crisp fall weather more and more. The King is rather pleased with my evolution to carpenter as it has allowed him to buy as many tools as he wants (providing they are actually used in one of the crazy schemes I come up with) and I do a lot of the small jobs now on my own so he doesn't have to be bothered with them. All in all, it's a great system. He gets man tools, I get a skilled laborer and teacher.

Labor Day weekend marked the start of interior project season. I have wanted to change my kitchen cabinets since we bought the house a year ago, but only recently decided to paint and antique them rather than re stain. The cabinets are a natural knotty alder, which is a very soft wood that dents with the slightest force. We had the same cabinets in our old house, and I hated them and vowed never to have alder again. But when we found this house and fell in love with it, I decided the cabinets could be overlooked for the time being. Unfortunately, I am compulsively insane and those stupid cabinets have been gnawing at the back of my mind all year. Something must be done before I really loose it! So this last weekend we started the massive project of rehabbing them. The kitchen will be a disaster until I'm done, but at least that will give me an incentive to get the project done faster. I hope they turn out well, but if not it's okay. I hated them anyway so anything is an improvement and I'll just have a better reason to completely replace them when I win the lottery.

Well, I've procrastinated long enough. There are hundreds of nail holes, wood putty and sand paper calling my name. Someday when I have learned to use all the power tools I get to graduate beyond prep work and painting. Until then, I'll leave the complicated stuff for The King and I'll excel at the jobs a trained monkey could do.

*Pictures are forth coming!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

By 11 O'clock this morning the Man Child had:

*disrobed himself

*dumped sugar all over the kitchen floor

*ripped a Berenstein Bears books to shreds and threw the pieces off the 3rd floor walkway onto the living room floor below

*rubbed gum into the carpet in my bedroom

*dumped out every book and toy in his room

By 11:05 I was ready to ship him off to the jungle.

But 5 minutes ago he fell asleep while watching "Cyber Chase" on my bed.

I love to watch him sleep. Only then is the Man Child is still long enough that I can see the shadow of the tiny baby Heavenly Father blessed me with almost 3 years ago. He was beautiful and perfect and sweet. That baby boy is still there; it's just now he's encased in a 40 pound- future linebacker & mass of pure willpower and stubbornness- package.

I have a 100 things I should be doing right now as I have an unexpected free afternoon, but instead I think I'll sit here and watch him a while longer.

What a beautiful boy.

Monday, September 7, 2009

To Kick The King Or Not- That Is The Question....

It's well past midnight and I can't sleep. But this time the insomnia is not caffeine induced.

For the third night in a row, The King has fallen asleep on MY side of the bed.

Is it considered spousal abuse if I kick him while he's unconscious? I can almost guarantee that he won't wake up and even if he did, he won't remember it in the morning.

No permanent damage, and I'd feel lots better.

Every so often, The King pulls his patented "now which side of the bed do I sleep on?" Alzheimer's routine. At 35 he can't possibly be that forgetful! Sure, he has trouble remembering if his toothbrush is the blue one or the orange, but if he messes up and uses mine I can just throw it away and get a new one.

I don't want to throw away my King. He's still got a lot of good use left in him, and frankly just the thought of training a new model makes me determined to (a) never, ever get divorced and (b) swear to become a nun should I ever have the misfortune of becoming a widow. No Captain Von Trap will ever ensnare me with his schnitzel and noodles and 7 precocious but vocally gifted children.

I just don't understand why he has to "test out the other side" every so often. Is it that my side is softer? Does it look more inviting from afar? The biggest irony is that The King announced right after the honeymoon that he could not sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door (it had something to do with his fear that the first person to get attacked in a home invasion is the first one seen- hence if he sleeps one the other side I'm the first to get murdered. Chivalry isn't dead my friends). So for the last 13+ years, through several apartments and 2 homes, no matter how our bedroom was oriented I have served as bedroom door watch guard and semi-willing martyr to any bloodthirsty robber. I have become so accustomed to "my" duty that when The King is out of town on business I remain faithful to my post- I don't move even an inch onto his side of the bed!

Apparently being "The King" comes with certain privileges, just one being the right to kick me off my side at any time and without notice. The change usually only lasts a few days, but it's always just long enough to get my sleeping schedule completely out of whack so that it takes a week to recover. I've wondered over and over what catalyst ignites this pattern of behavior, and I think he simply gets lulled into a false sense of security and forgets to obsess on the perilous "what ifs" of living in middle class suburbia. Is it a merely coincidence that he hasn't methodically (okay compulsively) checked and rechecked all the doors and locks in the house for the same three days I ask you??

I think not.

I think I have no option but to get low and dirty. Maybe I heard a scratching on the patio door late at night. Was that a shadowy figure walking across the front lawn? Perhaps there's a rumor around the neighborhood that cars are being broken in to.

Could I possibly be so cruel?

Yes, I could. I'm tired. Get off my freaking side of the bed. I'm going to unlock every door in house right now. Sleep on that baby cakes.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Are You A Player??

Not that kind of player, sickos. I know what you were thinking.

I mean have you joined the "Your Team" craze? If you haven't: (1) shame on you and (2) please get out a little more and finally (3) I'm not going to go into detail here but if you want to crawl out of the hole you've been in and start playing you can leave a comment and I'll explain the intricacies of the game there.

For now, just pretend you're following me.

As any seasoned player knows, Walmart provides a 24/7 veritable feast of potential "members". Upon returning from Cali and lamenting the lack of plentiful game material in Utah that we witnessed in the land of Mickey Mouse, my sista Fancy took to the Internet and found a new upstart site-wwww.peopleofwalmart.com- which might be the single greatest dot com invention since Ebay. I don't know if the creators are Teamers, but if they aren't they were undoubtedly inspired by the patron saints of mockery to provide the world with such inspiring art and ample proof that Walmart is actually a 4th dimension or porthole to another world.

Geniuses at wwww.peopleofwalmart.com, we salute you!

Thursday, August 20, 2009


She made it!

Not a single tear was shed.

However, she did say not 20 seconds after the needle left her skin that she felt the flu coming on. And it traveled to her leg rather quickly.

There's a reason her name is Tween Drama Queen.

Parent Payback Time

Ah, government enforced torture for children. And I'm just an innocent bystander in the affair.

Today the TQ has to get her 7th grade immunizations. I am a huge supporter of immunizations, and the fact that so many horrific diseases of the past have been virtually eradicated by them. When my kids were babies and toddlers it always broke my heart a little to watch them cry as the needle pierced their skin, but I have to say there is not a lot of sympathy in my heart for my 12 year old daughter. As it told her, it only gets worse from here. See how lovely you feel after your first gyno wellness check and you'll think the tiny pin prick of a tetanus shot was a walk in the park. I haven't even fully gone into detail about the joys of childbirth in fear that she will vow to never give me grandchildren.

Rule #1 of life sweetie: there's always something worse out there than what you are experiencing now.

I do feel a twinge of pity for her because she's made herself so nervous thinking about it that she's sick, AND she has to head over to the jr. high right after because all the sbo's are helping with back to school night. I haven't warned her that she'll probably feel a little achy and yucky, but I think I'll wait until after the deed is done, then she can't run away.

Oops, cat's out of the bag. I probably should have saved typing that last tidbit until she was done reading over my shoulder.

You'll live kiddo. When you are 10 cm dilated and ready to rip your husband's throat out for getting you preggers in the first place, this experience will be but a brief and painless memory.

Now get in the truck.........

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

GI Joe, You Blow!!!!

That's all I have to say about that.

I'm Baaaccccckkkkk!!!!

Where did August go?

Oh right! Disney land and then Girl's Camp. 10 total days of female bonding.

It was AWESOME!!!

Cali with my sis was The Best. If I didn't already heart her forever and ever and fully intend to spend our twilight years together gossiping on the front porch of our rebuilt Victorian home and swearing at the tv, I would for sure after this trip.

I think we both learned just how easily we can entertain ourselves. We'll be in high demand if there's ever an atomic bomb dropped and everyone has to hide out in a bunker for a year until the radiation levels drop.

Of course, Disneyland did offer a bounty of candidates for the greatest game ever created- "Your Team". (Best "Your Team" spots- the 60 year old "daddy" with his 20 something trophy wife and toddlers in tow, and the 400+ pound woman with tattoos visible on every surface of her body but those hidden by a teeny tiny bikini top. You are very welcome for the visual). And we did try to find the most obscure and random sites for photo ops (I'm pretty sure on at least one occasion we might have had the Mickey Mouse security tailing us for trying to take pictures in front of the bathroom door). We bonded with random shuttle bus drivers, ate enormous corn dogs that were worth every cent of the $8 they cost, and got so motion sick I had to lay down on a bench in the middle of Tomorrow Land.

It was excellent!

As soon as Fancy gets me the pix I'll post them. I'm out of time now, but I'll try to get back to the computer later to cover Girls Camp. It's back to "real" life- meaning laundry, dishes, YW, back-to-school, etc.......aka CRAZINESS!

*Post note*
I think The Man Child just said the S word. I'm not sure, because it could also have been "sit", but something tells me it wasn't. I gave up swearing over a year ago, so I'm not sure who/what to blame for his sudden potty mouth, but I guess I'll just ignore it and see if he repeats it (hopefully not in the middle of church. Oh please, not at church!!!)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm Off To Disneyland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm outta here. I'm not taking my laptop so I'll have to catch everyone up on my adventures when I get back.


Ever Tried To Milk A Camel?????

"A new line of premium chocolate will soon be introduced in Britain.

Dubai-based Al Nassma is the first brand that makes chocolate with camel's milk.

The company began operations in October 2008 and reportedly hopes to make 100 tons of the sweet treat a year.

The company says camel's milk has five times more Vitamin C than cow's milk, less fat, less lactose and more insulin."

Well, I think they've done it- I'm cured of my chocolate addiction. I don't think I'll ever be able to eat chocolate again without wondering "hmmmmm, where did they get they milk from?"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

My List of....Important Parenting Lessons I Learned While Cleaning My Sons' Room.

1. Never, ever try to figure out what a mystery stain is by smelling, or worse tasting, it.

2. Never trust the trash. Burn all the old, worn out undies otherwise they'll somehow teleport back to the drawer.

3. If it is put in their closet, boys will wear any article of clothing- whether it's their 12 year old sister's pajamas or mom's t-shirt.

4. Put two and two together- if you find evidence of hair clippings on the floor and your son has been wearing a hat indoors all morning, chances are someone was playing barber shop. When you confront the culprit, remember to be grateful that he stopped at his own hair and didn't try his skills on his little brother.

5. When pushed into a corner, always assume that your son is lying- then what a pleasant surprise you'll have if you find out that he is actually telling the truth!

6. If they fess up quickly, keep digging- chances are they are hiding something worse.

7. Divide and conquer- always question them separately so they can't get their stories straight.

8. Kids need to know their boundaries. Let them know that you are now and always will be smarter than them, so they shouldn't ever try to pull one over on you.

9. When trying to decide how to manage your sons' closet, think about how you would organize it for a monkey, then make it one step easier to handle than that.

10. If you think you are doing something nice for your kids and they'll really appreciate it, get over it. They won't.

11. Necessity dictates that a boy's room has it's own cleaning schedule. Change the sheets 2 or 3 times as often as you would in any other bedroom in the house.

12. Don't ever err on the side of "it's probably clean"- just wash it.

13. The perfect punishment for an out of control, pig sty of a room is to collect all the things they love most and then secretly smuggle them into the basement storage room. Later, pour yourself a nice big Diet Coke and watch them fruitlessly search, and search, and search............

#14, and The Most Important lesson I learned today is to make sure that your husband doesn't leave for work with your car keys so that you are stuck home all day with nothing better to do than complete all the jobs you've been putting off forever because you really don't want to do them.....like cleaning your sons' room!!!

Ah, The Fruits of Brotherly Love

Fox has completely worn out all the usual punishments. He's grounded from the wii, his DS, computer time, and last night we canceled the cable.

Yes, he's been that naughty lately.

He's not alone in his deviant behavior. The Man CHild is ususally his accomplice and/or intended victim in most of the crimes. Unfortunately, the Man Child is not motivated by the loss of toys or priviledges. The only way to punish him is to force him to sit still for 30 seconds at a time, but it's not worth the beating he doles out when trying to hold him still. Even Fox's punishments are ineffective. If I took all his toys away he'd still find a paper clip and turn it into a battleship or robot.

Short of removing every toy and piece of furnuture from their room except for their beds, and then locking them inside, I have no way to control the terrible twosome. More often than not they are allies in their war against parental control. It's a little sick, but I almost hope for them to get into it with each other so that I can divide and conquere. This morning Fox took a swipe at the MC, who immediately ran to me for comfort, then walked back to his brother and without any hesitation whacked him in the stomach.

Wow. At least when I was a kid I had the presence of mind to hit my siblings when no adult was around.

True, he was only giving retribution for his own attack, but the whole episode left me feeling like I am fighting a loosing battle with those two. Yes, when they fight they fight hard and ugly. But they also have a lot of fun together and live in their own little "guy" world most of the time. Man Child constantly asks where Fox is when he's not within eye sight, and although Fox is still a less-than-impressive babysitter, he actually plays with his brother when they are together (unlike his sister the TQ who sits on the couch and reads while "babysitting"- but at least MC doesn't get out of the yard under her watch).

Got to go- it's dead silent in the house and that is never a good thing.

2 days until I run away..

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Mom Gone Wild Count Down.......

Four days and counting until I run away from home.....

Eight days until I come back home to an unholy disaster and a mountain of laundry....

But it will be worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's So True It's Almost Prophetic.....

A few weeks ago I found the most hilarious blog on Condron. The writer is a brilliant satirist/beaten down father of 3. I feel a certain camaraderie with him....I wonder if he has a Man Child too? If you don't like sarcasm, or tend to take people very literally, this is probably not your cup of tea. But if you worship at the altar of irony, here's a new church:


Isn't that the best URL ever????

What Did You Talk About On Your Way To Harry Potter??

I've gotten used to the fact that I never know what Fox is going to say at any given moment. Will it be a completely random thought? Will it be teasing? Will it make my heart break?

More often than not, it's something mildly inappropriate. But therein lies his comedic genius.

On Thursday night Fox and I had a mommy/son date to see Harry Potter 6. I love one on one time with Fox. He doesn't have an older sister around to censor him, or a baby brother to steal away all the attention. When Fox is sibling-less he comes alive, and Doesn't Stop Talking!

We had a twenty minute drive to the theater in Ogden (the local theaters don't have reserved seating, and I've become so spoiled that I refuse to wait in line for an hour to see a movie. I think Fox covered about 2 dozen different topics during the time, but here is a list of the highlights. You'll notice most are in question form- He gave me about 20 seconds to give an answer- and I'm now convinced this kid's mind never takes a break from analyzing the world around him.

*Who invented mirrors?

*Is there a place called Swissland? Do they eat cheese there?

*Why can't humans be cold blooded?

*Can humans read minds, or do you have to be a vampire like Edward Cullen? (To this question I had begin by reminding him that vampires aren't real).

*How does God know everything?

*So is God a mutant? (Yes, he's been watching X-Men a lot this summer)

*Can robots lay eggs?

*What would happen if every time someone said "ba-caw", they laid an egg? Would they have to have a hole in their underwear for the egg to come out?

*Do bugs have butts?

*Why do orangutans have red butts?

*Do animals fart?

*What is natural gas used for?

*(follow up question that was inspired by my answer to the above question): You mean we heat our house and water with FARTS?????

*So are burps just farts that come out of our mouths?

At this point I had to tell him that the farting questions were done, to which he responded "That's okay mom. We can talk about boogers, poop, pee, stinky armpits.... So what are boogers made of? Why are they green? Can they really form worms in your stomach?"

Just in the nick of time I pulled into the parking lot and thus didn't have the time to give the science of booger formation its due diligence. It also helped that once inside the theater his mind switched to trying to find ways to convince me to let him have extra butter on his popcorn.

Thankfully, it was 10:00 PM when the movie got out, and Fox was too tired from a long day and popcorn overdose to remember that we hadn't finished our earlier conversation.

But there will always be next time............

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Attention all gamers- "Epic Dragon" is now on iTunes!!!

My amazingly talented friend Heidi and her husband just created a new game for the iPhone/iPods called "Epic Dragon". Heidi created all the artwork for the game, and it is SO COOL!! Head on over to iTunes and check it out.

I just joined the 21st century a month ago and got my very first iPod and I am totally addicted to it. I'm planning on spending all of Wednesday night- when I should be packing- loading up my iPod with games and movies for the flight. I remember flying as a child and my poor mom having to pack a 50 pound bag full of coloring books, treats and games to keep us entertained.

I love technology!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Can That Really Be Considered a Birthday Gift??

The King just found out that Granny Andy has evoked a no-present moratorium for the grand 86th fiesta tomorrow.

So he asked if he could give her a strip tease and a lap dance instead. He also offered to stuff $1 bills down her 35 year old polyester pants while he danced.

Well, she did say she wanted to die, and a heart attack is not that bad of a way to go. At least she'll leave this life with a smile on her face.

My List of.....Questions That Pop Into My Head While Watching Sesame Street.

*After 30+ years, why hasn't Big Bird mastered the alphabet? Why isn't this guy in a special education program? Perhaps someone should take Radar away.

*Why is the count called "the count"- as if he's the master of counting or something? The man can't count beyond double digits!

*What happened to Gordon's wife Susan? I bet she left him for a guy with a mustache AND a beard.

*Why does it take 2 guys run Mr. Hooper's store? There's only one aisle! And how does Chris live in NY on a store clerk's salary?

*How many people really take their toaster to a repair shop anymore? And how do Luis and Maria make any money considering they'd have to charge $5 to fix one because people could just buy a new one at Walmart for $10?

*Why don't Bert and Ernie just get over it and break up? They never get along, Ernie is always waking up Bert, Bert has severe OCD, and their interests are so different (rubber duckies vs. bottle caps and pigeons) What do these guys see in each other?. Time to move on to a new unibrow Ernie.

*When Baby bear starts growing a beard and drinking will the poor guy finally get an age appropriate name? Isn't he in his teens now? If they had ever sent him to school perhaps a speech therapist could have worked on that lisp.

*Where do all the cookie pieces go that cookie monster "eats"?

*What ever happened to Zoe? Did she become an EMO when she realized that she would never be as cute or lovable as Elmo? I bet she wears all black now and is lead singer in a goth band and writes lyrics about how life is pain. Perhaps they'll do an E! True Hollywood Story on her in a few years- one of those "what happened to this child star" episodes.

*Why are they trying to teach children that it's okay to be whiny, bawling emotionally needy monsters in the song "It's Alright, You Can Cry"? Adulthood is all about emotional suppression- it's better to prepare them early.

*"Triangle Bob"- Sesame Street's answer to "Sponge Bob"- is the most blatant and pathetic attempt at being current and relevant in a world of mass media and product marketing to date. I know this is a statement, not a question, but it deserves being said anyway. Whatever writer came up with that brilliant idea should be demoted to writing "letter of the day" spots.

*Did Mary of the "Mary Had a little lamb" nursey rhyme have gender realignment surgery, and if so, how was this not picked up by the major news networks? (Maybe they did a feature on Fairy Tale news and I just missed it) Mary has become Murray and hangs with a lamb named Ovahita. Just a suggestion-she/he probably needs to cut down on the testosterone shots, cause she/he is getting awfully hairy.

*Wouldn't it be considered cannibalism to eat fruits and veggies that can talk and sing? Why are they so happy while they sing about how delicious they taste- are they suicidal??

*Is it really unreasonable that Oscar is constantly grouchy? I would be pretty pissed too if I had been stuck in a garbage can on the sidewalk for decades. Lets try for some compassion and understanding people.

*Why hasn't any other couple/person on SS other than Luis and Maria been able to have a biological child? Don't get me wrong- I'm all for adoption. But why hasn't someone investigated if there's something in the water that causes infertility?

*How can Hoots the Owl play the sax without fingers?

*Was Prairie Dawn the secret love child of Guy Smiley and Polly Darton? If so, where did they send Prairie Dawn to grow up in anonymity while being trained in the biz? Hee Haw?? Branson Missouri maybe??

*Why didn't anyone send a social worker to investigate Snuffalupagos's home life? It's not normal for someone to be that lethargic and depressed all the time.

*How do the characters not feel violated with hands stuck up their butts all day long? SS must have really good attorneys to have avoided sexual harassment suits for this long.

Apparently Granny Was On The Right Track After All....

For those who have been know to swear a time or two:

"Scientists at England's Keele University say people swear when they hurt themselves because it actually reduces the pain.

The lead researcher got the idea after listening to his wife swear uncontrollably while delivering their child.

The study had men and women place a hand in a bucket of ice water for as long as they could stomach the pain.

Scientists found that the participants could tolerate the pain for longer periods of time when bellowing out curse words."

Unfortunately this story came out 2 days too late. Had I known it was "anesthetic", I would have let off a string of curses that would make a sailor blush while having my arm twisted and pulled to get the X-rays done. Instead I just held my breath through it and then said "thank you so much" to the X-ray tech-sadist after.

But now I know for the future.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Stop Reading Now If You Don't Want HP6 Spoilers!

Oh. My. Gosh.

I just returned from HP6 with Fox and I want to drive right back to the theater and see it again.

It was THAT good.

Sure they deviated from the book, and yes, I wish they had included the big Order/Death Eater fight inside Hogwarts at the end. I'm sure there are many rabid fans pulling at the strings of their Gryffindor capes in frustration right now. But come on people, the movie is a totally different species from the book! If I had seen the Twilight movie before reading the books I probably would have boycotted them with the same unashamed malice that I had for Titanic (Stupid Leo DeCaprio and your overused "I'm King of the World" crap). The HP movies will never be perfectly true to the genius that is J.K. Rowling's series. How can they when they are but a reproduction, not the original piece of art. I'm just impressed that they managed to get in all the important plot lines and many of the details in less than 3 hours.

I loved that they made most of the movie so humorous and light. It was such a poignant contrast to and heightened the emotion of the events of the last 45 minutes! Lavender was a perfect "Single White Female" stalker and Ron doped up on love potion was hilarious!!!! For the first time in the 6 movies I saw a real, easy friendship between Hermione and Harry (which if you've read book 7 you know how important that camaraderie will be). I even need to give a shout out to the poor little waif with bleached hair and skin who plays Draco. He actually acted in this movie- bravo to the scary albino!

The one iffy- but not necessarily bad- part of the movie was the budding romances between Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny. The kiss between Harry and Ginny looked a little too timid- I mean, I know I just finished saying that we shouldn't compare the movie to the book, but they full on made out in the book- so their little peck came off as sweet but a tad incestuous (like kissing a second cousin- not that I've ever done that. Really, I promise. I may be from Utah but we do have limits). Ron and Hermione haven't lip locked yet, but I can't see how the inevitable kiss won't come off as awkward. They have no chemistry on screen. Don't get me wrong- I think they are both fabulous in their respective roles. It's just that I can't envision them kissing without throwing up a little in my mouth. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

All in all, HP6 is one fantastic, thrilling ride. I know a movie is good when my 8 year old has to pee so badly he's bouncing up and down an hour into it but he doesn't want to miss a single moment by leaving.

Thank heavens for bladder control.

Sorry Granny, You're Not Dying Today. But Cheer Up- There's Always Tomorrow!

This Saturday my mother's entire extended family will meet on Aunt Bev's patio for the annual celebration of our beloved Grandma Andy's birthday. It's guaranteed to be an evening of great food, catching up, and lots of laughter.

Unfortunately, the guest of honor wishes she didn't have to come.

It's not because she doesn't like the forced attention of a party, though I'm sure that's an honor she'd rather do without.

The fact is Granny is sick of living.

Can you blame the lady? She has outlived a son, a husband, her siblings and parents, and most of her friends. Since having hip replacement surgery 2 years ago her quality of life has gone way down. She rarely leaves the house except for short trips to the grocery store, her Friday 'do appointment at the salon, and church on Sunday.

Two weeks ago she passed out while making herself breakfast. Fortunately she was revived quickly and was able to scoot herself over to the phone to call my mom (she has a cell phone but never keeps it with her!!!!). My sister Fancy ran to Granny's house and found her pale as a ghost, lying on the floor, with charred pancakes on the stove and the whole house full of smoke and the fire alarms blaring. It scared Fancy to death. By the time I got to the house an hour later the smoke was gone but the entire place smelled like a camp fire. Granny was obviously hurting but she refused to allow my parents to call an ambulance or be taken to see a doctor. She didn't leave the house again for a week.

As Granny always says, "Getting old is the pits". Granny has aged so much in the last 5 years. After spending 70+ years untouched by the ravages of time, the years finally caught up with her, and she is tired body, mind and soul. It's hard to reprimand her when she says, as she did last week when my mom and I went to fill a prescription for her, "Dang doctors and their pills. All they want to do is keep you alive" (only she didn't say "dang" but that other curse word that starts with a D. I've mentioned it before, but Granny's developed quite a potty mouth lately. My mom told her she'd used up her swear word quota for the week). She increasingly talks about "wishing she could just die". Before we could laugh it off as "silly Grandma", but I don't think she's joking at all anymore.

Grandma has worked hard her entire life. She deserves peace and rest, and to be free of the pains that torment her physically. But selfishly, I want her here for years to come; I think every one of her children and grandchildren feel the same way. We've always joked with her that she needs to live to 100, but now seeing how badly she hurts and how much she misses her loved ones long gone, I can honestly say that I wouldn't wish that on her in a million years.

So happy 86th birthday Grandma Andy. I hope we are able to celebrate #87 with you next year but if not, that's okay. I'm sure you and grandpa will be celebrating anyway.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Frick, Frick and Double Frick!!!!

Three days of stomach virus and dizziness, and what do I do the first morning I'm actually feeling a little bit better?

Fall down my basement stairs.

The good news is that they couldn't see a fracture on the X-ray. They did see that the bone is bruised really deeply and apparently I will be sporting a swollen and very black arm for a while.

At least I won't be sporting a full arm cast in Disneyland!

I am so done with this week.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Old White Men Can Bust A Move!!!

Want to see The King (aka. Cutie McChunky) in action? Check out this link:


The King is the "techie geek" that introduces the performance and then the performers afterwards.

His cohorts are the owner of his company and the VP of Sales. Would you have guessed from their dancing that they are a software company full of techies and dungeons and dragon grand wizards????

The things these guys will do for a client!

Tonight I Am Thankful For.......

*A wonderful hubby who has come home from work early for the last 2 days to take care of me and help out with the kids while I've been down and out with a stomach bug.

*Three wonderful kids who have tried their hardest to entertain themselves and each other while I've been sick. Thanks especially to TQ for mothering the Man Child and making sure he's been fed his regular 6 meals a day.

I am so blessed to call these angels my family.