Thursday, April 30, 2009

When Does America's Got Talent Start Auditions???

" Mom, you just can't stop me. I am an arm-pit musician".

Fox just arm-pit farted the entire "Hey There Delilah" (by the Plain White T's) spoof from Sesame Street entitled "I'm the Letter T". Four minutes and counting, and the rhythms are dead on- he's even on key most of the time. He's also got "All the Single Ladies" by Beyonce and "Viva La Vida" (Coldplay)in his repertoire. He's trying to branch into new genres though, and is looking for a good jazz tune- anyone know any? (Can Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" be considered jazzy?) Apparently he's been working on his under-the-knee farts as well (because we all know that the great musicians can play more than one instrument), and thinks that the Sesame Street spoof of "You're Beautiful" (called "My Triangle") is coming along pretty well. Who knew the children's programming on PBS was inspiring as well as educational?

And here I was worried that he wouldn't have anything to perform at the school talent show next week.

Oh no- man down, man down! He has an arm cramp.

He's pushing on through the pain- what this boy will do for his art.

He did finally notice the down side (am I actually implying there's only one???) to his talent. While rubbing his sore arm he exclaimed "Oh man, it stinks. It smells like tacos....or the school's beef nuggets"

Anyone hungry for Mexican???

The Cheapest Birthday Present Ever...

Fox just asked for a box of croutons and a bottle of honey mustard for his birthday.

Maybe if he's really good between now and then I'll throw in some Gogurts as a bonus.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

How to Give The King a Heart Attack

If I ever wanted to do away with The King and live a life of luxury and leisure off his life insurance, all I'd have to do is tell him that his 12 year old daughter is "going out" with a boy.

She's not at this moment, but from his reaction last night when I told him that she was on the phone with the boy she likes I'm convinced that all that stands between myself and all that money is concrete evidence that our daughter is a normal, hormone driven Tween.

Would he rather she not be normal? Does he want her to be the that girl, the one who stands on the sidelines, afraid to talk to anyone and feeling like she's inconspicuous and invisible because no one notices her. The King obviously doesn't get what it feels like to be a girl and hope that someone, anyone finds you attractive. It doesn't mean that you have to like them back, but it's a critical step in the development of a teen's self-esteem.

He still sees her as the 4 year old with bouncy curls, who wore pink sundresses and gave concerts of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Madonna's Beautiful Stranger (weird pick, I know, but she loved it when we watched Austin Powers). It's very heartwarming and endearing that he still thinks of her that way, but also dangerous to their relationship as she wants to be given more responsibilities and freedoms and he wants to keep her in pigtails and bobby socks.

So we come to the internal conflict that I battle over every time I have to play referee between the King and TQ. I really, truly believe that parents have to support and present a unified front when dealing with their children. However, I think the King's overreacting- in his mind talking to a boy= holding hands= kissing= sneaking out at night= pregnant teenager. What he is forgetting is that this is our daughter, the girls who is unfailingly responsible and honest. This is the child who came to me in the middle of the night a few weeks ago, sobbing that she was "the worst person on earth" because she had read Breaking Dawn behind my back when I had expressly forbidden it until she was at least 14. I never would have known had she not confessed, and she took her punishment of being banned from all things Stephenie Meyer/Twilight for the time being without any complaint. What is perhaps more impressive is that she admitted to me that she had bad feelings when she was reading it, and she knew that they came not just from disobedience but from reading material that was not appropriate for her age and maturity. This child is amazing.

I'm inclined to keep sticking up for her on the "talking to boys on the phone" issue. Maybe it's my own insecurities from that age rearing their ugly head, but I want her to know that I trust her to make good decisions. Besides, she's probably a little too much like me and I think it behooves her to learn how to flirt now rather than later when her "rabid feminist" gene kicks in and boys everywhere will run for their life.

Monday, April 27, 2009

What Kind of Person Doesn't Love a Puppy?

If you've ever wondered if you are the worst parent on earth, worry no more.

You couldn't have possibly done anything worse than what I just did.

I gave away the puppy.

Yes, I suck. I am a heartless monster.

There's not much that I can say to defend myself, other than I was just sick of dealing with her. Puppies need lots of love and attention, and I just didn't have it in me to give. When it came down to it, the dog and the Man Child required constant supervision and discipline, and well, I couldn't give my son away if he never caught on to potty training.

Last night we put an add on and within 5 minuted of being posted we had probably 20 calls. I think the combination of the words "free" and "puppy" made the offer irresistible. We even had 2 families race to get over here- it was a first come/first dibs offer. A lovely woman with a 4 year old daughter ended up the winner. Ezzie will really be loved bu this little family, and I think in a way Heavenly Father made us the conduit for His blessings. This woman, you see, recently underwent a hysterectomy. She is still very young, so having the ability to have more children taken away was devastating. Ezzie will be like a child to her and her husband, and a sibling to her daughter. That's exactly the type of family Ezzie needs and deserves. She is will so happy and adored.

It broke my heart to watch Ezzie leave, not because I would miss her but because Fox and TQ were trying to be so strong in front of the new owners, but it was impossible to keep the tears at bay for long. Fox cried hard but only for a few minutes-he was less attached and still a little scared of her. TQ, however, retreated to her room and would only emerge when I bribed her with popcorn. Her eyes were bloodshot for crying. Knowing that only 2 people on earth could cheer her up, I called my parents and they took over the consoling. Within a few minutes (and due to some self-deprecating humor, I'm sure- you are THE BEST mom and dad) she was laughing and so recovered that she was able to list off what she wanted for her birthday next week. Aunt Fancy is taking her for a spa day. Poor grandma has the unfortunate job of finding the perfect clothes-TQ has gotten really picky in the last year. But she will- she's magic and perfection all rolled up into a beautiful and unconditionally loving package. Thank you, thank you, thank you mom.

Someday I think the kids will come to understand the reasons behind my actions. Some day they will be parents and fell like at the end of the day they have given everything and all that they have to their family, and there is just nothing left over for themselves. They'll be so tired that they wish they could sleep for hours and days on end. But they won't, because they know their family had to come first. But in the process of trying to be Superparent, some concessions and hard choices have to be made.

Until then, I'm okay with them being mad at me. I'm mad at me too. I wish I could do everything and be everything I think I should be. Superwoman I'm not, but then again she never was real.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Just a Rhetorical Question

Why on earth did I just stay up until 1 in the morning downloading pictures to a blog entry that took 5 minutes to write and is no where nearly as important as sleep????

Oh right, because I'm INSANE!!!!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Where Do Moms Go On Business Trips?

The King just called me from Las Vegas to tell me that his hotel, The Encore, puts every other hotel he's been in to shame. That's saying a lot as he's traveled every where and has stayed in just about every chain and hotel imaginable. It's better than the Phoenician in Phoenix, the St. Regis in San Francisco or The Grand in Salt Lake City. I'm pretty sure he went on to tell me exactly why it is so amazing, but I zoned out after I heard that the TV welcomed him when he turned it on.

I, on the other hand, spent the evening listening to the MC yell "Porn! I want Porn!!!" (porn= popcorn in Man Childese). As soon as everyone was in bed I realized that the sprinklers had been on for an awfully long time so I had to go outside and get drenched in secondary water(aka. poop water) while trying to get the stupid broken sprinkler valve to shut off. When I went to shower off the poopy water so that I didn't grow a third eye overnight, my shampoo was all gone. And I forgot to bring a towel into the bathroom.

When I finally got into bed and turned on the tube, my TV didn't say "hello, most wonderful and gracious lady of the house. I hope you have an enjoyable night". Instead, it decided to record a rerun of Criminal Minds rather than the new Scrubs. No new CSI New York either.

Sometimes being the domestic goddess sucks.

At the End of the 12 Step Program....

I think I have really, truly conquered my swearing habit.

I know I haven't sworn in a year (well, except for 1 slip up a few months ago), but today I passed the ultimate test of "swearing sobriety"

Wile working on the patio wall, I dropped a cinderblock on my finger. It blew up immediately and is now a lovely shade of purple.

What I wanted to shot was "Bleep. this stupid bleepidy bleeping project! I hate you bleepin cobblestones."

Instead, all I said was "shoot, shoot, shoot" and "oh fudge".

Impressive, hugh? There was even no one around but the dog, so I could have totally cheated and no one would be the wiser.

But I prevailed. I think I can safely play church basketball once more without worrying that I'll drop a "d" or "h" word every time I do something ridiculous.

One flaw down, three thousand more to go.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What the Man Child Learned at the Piano Recital

Tonight was my annual piano recital. Apparently the King and I have amnesia (or post traumatic stress that causes memory suppression), because we decided to take all three kids to the recital. I'm a stinking music teacher for heavens sake-of course they'd all behave with proper recital etiquette.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Fox found the TV out in the lounge area of the hall and immersed himself in whatever was more interesting than Chopin and Schubert. At least he was quiet.

The Man Child lasted about 5 minutes in the recital hall before demanding, in his own special way, to get the *bleep* outta there. The King tried to entertain him with Clifford episodes then commercials of trucks on his Google phone, but the MC was having none of that. The only other option- other than letting him bang on the 100+ pianos in the showroom- was to improvise a new game.

The new game involved teach the MC new phrases to add to his slowly growing vocabulary. They included:

I Can Not Sit Still

I Can Not Stop Moving


I Am Stinky (this is not a put down- he really did have a ripe diaper).

After an hour, his proficiency had increased quite a bit. With a little prodding, and to my great amusement, he repeated them on the way home for me. Since the game worked so well at the recital, I think we might have to start using it at church.


As I sit here typing, I just heard 2 sentences come out of the King's mouth which could be totally misinterpreted if you didn't speak Man Child.

King: " I got your cauck. Yes, your shiny red cauck".

We really need to get the MC to stop fusing "car" and "truck" together.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Post script to Sunday Dinner

I almost forgot the best part of any family dinner....the table conversation.

Fox wanted to know how the salt got in the Great Salt Lake. He wondered if we all had to go to the lake shore every so often and dump our salt shakers in it.

After being told that the salt was there naturally, he asked "oh, like natural gas?"

I said "yes" and wondered if this was his way of naturally turning the discussion to his favorite topic of late, global warming (the kid is seriously addicted to Nova. Don't ever ask him about glaciers melting unless you want an in depth description of greenhouse emissions, methane, and the dangers of living in Asia. It's taken me weeks to convince him that there are NO glaciers in Utah, so we're good. If there's a Nova on earthquakes we're in trouble).

Then he demonstrated what kind of "natural gas" he was meaning. No, it wasn't the kind that comes out of the mouth. He is a fairly proficient arm pit farter (he was grounded from it a few weeks ago. It was a real let down for him as he had been practicing with so much dedication in hope of being the world's best). Of course, the Man Child thought it was hilarious and since what one boy does, the other must copy, dinner turned into a virtual recital of bodily function noises. The MC found out that while he can't arm pit fart, he can burp like a 40 year old man after downing a case of Bud Light.

It was just another refined and elegant dinner at the King's castle.

The Movies I Will Actually Pay $8 to See in a Theater

I am cheap. Super cheap.

I will not see a movie in the theater unless I am positive that I will like it. Unfortunately, very few are worth the price of admission plus the extra $5 for a gigantic, bladder bursting Diet Coke. Oh, and the $20 I have to spend on dinner before hand so that I won't be tempted to eat the yummy but artery clogging theater porn, I mean popcorn (sorry for the accidental/purposeful slip, but the MC requested porn about 5 different times today. It's too bad- I don't even giggle anymore when he calls it that. I just answer back, "sorry, mom doesn't have any porn today").

But this summer will be different. I fully anticipate shelling over hundreds of dollars at the Larry H Miller Megaplex theaters in Salt Lake and Ogden (they have reserved seating- brilliant! Layton theaters, take notice!). There are so many great movies out there, most headlined by some serious eye candy.

Therefore, I present my list of the movies I will actually enter a theater to see this summer. I am sure no one really cares what movies I am seeing, but humor me here. I'm doing this mostly so that I won't forget any of them- and besides, they are a no-brainer date night (just as long as I keep the chick flicks to a minimum).

1. X-Men Origins:Wolverine- There could be no dialogue or plot line in this entire movie and my sister Fancy and I would still go see it. Hugh Jackman, on a giant screen, for 2 hours. Enough said

2. Star Trek- When did the wannabe King of Genovia dump Princess Mia and time travel to the future to become an angst and demon ridden Captain Kirk? As distracting as he will be, I'll still see this 1000th remake of the Star Trek series to support my favorite creepy serial killer Sylar (aka Zachary Quinto).

3. GI Joe:Rise of Cobra- I loved GI Joe as a kid- the toys, the cartoon, the lunch boxes.... I think my Barbie even had a love child with the Cobra Commander at one point (my bad boy thing started pretty young).

4. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen- What amazes me about how much I loved the first Transformers movie is that A) there were no attractive actors in it- okay males, don;t form a mob. I meant male actors. Megan Fox doesn't count. Stop drooling. And B) I found the toys annoying and totally incompatible with any of the soap opera-esque dramas that I created for my dolls.

5. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince- Although we did get Twilight early, it still didn't completely buffer the disappointment of having the latest installment of my favorite movie series of all time pushed back 8 months. Half-Blood Prince was my 2nd favorite book in the series, and I can't wait to see Harry and Gini FINALLY get together on screen. Oh, and Dumbledore's rotting hand.

6. Night at the Museum II- The first was brilliant, so I have high hopes for the second. I love that Ben Stiller and other comedians are making more family friendly films. It almost hurts to say this, but even Adam Sandler gets props for Bedtime Stories. I actually laughed for real during it, not just to make the King think that I'm enjoying his movie choices.

7. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past- I had to throw one chick movie in here. I'm not a huge fan of Matthew McConaughey, but I think Jennifer Garner is one of the most beautiful and charismatic actresses of my generation. 13 Going on 30 is one of my top 5 "I need a girl movie marathon" picks.

8. Twilight Saga: New Moon- Technically, this is a late fall movie, but I am so excited for it that it will remain firmly planted in the back of my mind until November. I am a loud and proud member of Team Jacob, and even though I've read New Moon 5 or 6 times, it still breaks my heart to that Bella left Jake heartbroken to save Edward. Hopefully, Taylor Lautner's portrayal will do this amazing character justice.

So that's it- my list of the movies I can't wait to spend lots and lots of money to see this summer. I probably shouldn't calculate how many plants and trees I could buy instead. Or power tools. Shoot- why did I have to even start thinking about that? Now the nagging internal debate will begin.

Nope, they are worth it. See you at the movies.....or maybe Home Depot........but maybe.......Crap!!!!!

Sunday Dinner

About a year ago, the King and I reached an important impasse in our relationship. You see, he firmly believes that a big, elaborate dinner in essential to our Sunday ritual. I, on the other hand, think that Sundays are painful and stressful enough after fighting kids through getting ready for then being reverent through 3 hours of church. When I get home, all I want is a nap. Cooking schmooking.

The easy resolution to our problem would be to just go to my parents' house every Sunday for dinner. My mom always puts on a huge spread and we are always welcome- no invitation necessary (have I mentioned before that my parents are the best!). The two hour round trip to their house is just not fun when you have cranky, hungry kids and evening meetings to get back to.

So the King gave up trying to persuade me to make dinner and took matters in his own hands. Yes, he started to cook.

At first the meals were very simple and mostly barbecued or broiled (still delish though-thank you Maddox and your freezer turkey steaks). As the months progressed, he tried out new dishes and now has an impressive menu from which he lets me select the main dish each week. He even cooks once or twice during the week.

Yesterday we had grilled chicken caesar salads. They were amazing.

Next week will be our 13th wedding anniversary. I am one of the fortunate ladies that can say my hubby just gets better and better all the time. Thank you for 13 years of school, kids, work, dogs, house and yard projects, road trips, Diet Coke dates, walks through Lowes and Home Depot, outlet malls, bad Adam Sandler movies, WWE pay-per-views, University of Utah football games, Coldplay concerts, Jane Austen movie adaptations, my rap music period, giving up red meat and pork, arguing over how to pronounce "warm", not saying the words I hate like "french fry" or "Coca Cola", and thinking I'm a domestic goddess even though I despise cooking.

Heart You Forever.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Shout Out to the Artistically Oppressed

Just a quick shout out to my bro-in-law who makes sport radio fanatics laugh every day across the Wasatch Front.

Sorry you got shut down today. The brillant ones always are.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Loma FIgured Out Technology!!!

If you pull up the post "Catching up" from a few weeks ago I've added a picture of Ezzie.

She is so adorable (oh, I guess the girl holding her is pretty cute too. Love you TQ)

What does Edward Cullen smell like?

As Fox was contemplating what to wear on his first day back to school after Spring Break, he had one issue still unresolved in his effort to become the new Power Ranger Edward Cullen.

Hair: Check. Pushed up in front as high as it will go. Lots and lots of product

Clothes: Check. Layered shirts and pants that haven't been subjected to the damages of any playground activity

Ladies man attitude: Check. Going to try really hard to be nice to the girls and not chase them. And also not tell them they are stupid. Watch out Emerson, he's got his eye on you.

Smell: Hugh, what does a Cullen smell like? Definitely not sweaty 8 year old. After much thought, Fox determined that he smells like.....(drum roll)..... meat.

Fortunately, there is no way to actually smell like meat short of rubbing a steak all over you, and since were big time veggies at our house there was no chance of that happening.

I think I'll tell him that Edward smells like a dad. That means he'll start wearing cologne and deodorant.

Now I just need to convince him that Edward brushes his teeth 8 times a day.

Flashback to......I want to be a cow!!!

Fox is the most unintentionally funny person I've ever known.

Last Friday as we were traveling to my parents' house in the wee hours of the AM, we happened to be listening to the morning show on 101.9 when the Stupid News came on. One of the first stories came out of Australia where a woman was pulled over for driving erratically. When the cops (do they call them cops there??) walked up to her car, they were shocked to find that not only was the woman wasted while driving but she was Nursing too!!! There are so many levels of stupid that I could go into here, but that's for another day. TQ and I immediately began to talk about the weird places people will nurse in public when Fox chirped from the back seat "What's nursing?".

I started to explain to him in the least graphic terms what it was, but I could almost see the wheels churning in his mind as he was trying to piece together the "mom feeding a baby from her body" thing all on his own.

His first stab at understanding "Oh, so I get it mom. So the mom drinks milk from a cow and then she gives it to the baby" (I forgot to ask here how exactly he thought she "gave" it to the baby- what a missed opportunity)

Me: "No son, her body makes the milk on its own."

Fox: "WHAT!!!!!!!!"

Can you tell my kids were all bottle fed??

Me: "Yes son, when a woman has a baby her body makes milk"

Fox: "Oh, so women kind of are cows"

Me: "Yes, in that respect I guess we are"

Fox: "So where does the milk come out?"

Me: "Where do you think it comes out?"

Fox: "Well, cows have udders- so I guess there. Oh my gosh, do women have udders???"

Me: "Well, before I answer that, let me ask you- where do you think they'd be if we did?"

Fox: "You know, down where their wienies are."

Me: "Son, girls don't have wienies."

Fox: "I know that, but they'd be where the wienie should be. Would you milk them like this??" (Use your imagination, but he started making the motion of milking a cow in the crotch area.) "Moo, moo, moo"

I should mention that by this point TQ and I are laughing so hard that we both wet our pants a little.

Me: "No son, those udders are called Boobs on women"

Fox: "Oh" (he sounded really disappointed by this news. Crotch udders are much more interesting than boobs apparently). "Mom, now I really wish I was a girl too, because I want to be a cow"

Moo, moo

Son, that's a conversation we'll save for another day.

The Best of the Best (or worst) on Hulu

I ahve quite literally fallen in love with Hulu. It's my favorite place to go at 1 in the morning when I can't sleep. Here are just a few of the gems I've found in my insomniac inspired searches:

Best Retro TV Shows:
HeMan and the Masters of the Universe
Remington Steele
Facts of Life
Silver Spoons
Doogie Howser MD
News Radio
I Dream of Genie
Fall Guy
St. Elsewhere

Best Improvement Reality shows:
Curb Appeal
Desperate Landscapes
Rate My Space
Last Comic Standing
Split Ends
Kiomora: Life in the Fab Lane
Dateline:Crime and Punishment
Clean House
Shear Genius
Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood
House Hunters
Dog Whisperer

The Best "Worst" Movies
Revenge of the Nerds
The Little Princess
Blue Lagoon
Babes in Toyland
Grease 2
Hercules in New York
The Crawling Hand
Who's Harry Crumb
The Jewel of the Nile

Friday, April 10, 2009

Things Overhead At My Parents' House.....

MC: "Porn, Porn!!!!" Screamed joyfully at the top of his lungs at my dad who had just brought him a bowl of popcorn to eat while watching Cars.

Granny Andy (my grandma): "Don't you know I'm a rich b@#$%" Yes, that was my almost 90 year old granny calling herself the B-word. She was trying to explain why she should be paying for lunch.

Dr. Phil (aka. my dad): "This one is going to give you a run for your money". Spoken in reference to the MC. Considering this is from my dad, the ultimate grandfather who never has a bad word to say about anyone, it's basically the same as if he'd said "this one's going to end up in prison".

Dr. Phil: "Does he ever stop eating" Again, about the MC. Really, this is the first time you've noticed it dad? He burns off so many calories moving non stop that the MC has to eat all day long to preserve the unholy growth spurt he's been in since 2 weeks old.

Muther (aka mom): "Aren't my boobs perky?" She just found a new bra with (her quote here) "water bags" in the cups, and the girls haven't been this high since before child #3.

Loma (in response to the above): "You should get a boob job then they'd be sitting high all the time, plus I could call you Pamela Anderson."

Uncle Frank: "We could install a zip line from her house to yours and attach granny's belt to it and give her tush a push". We were trying to figure out a way to get my granny from her house to my parents' house 2 doors down with having to walk.

Random character on TV: "You'd be a lot more fun without that pole up your butt". Yeah, I haven't heard that one before

I love being at my parent's house.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Thank You Stephenie Meyer

Today I decided to be a nice mother and take the terrifying threesome, aka. my children, to a movie (Monsters vs. Aliens- wasn't that great). Actually, my motivation wasn't all that kind. We are all pretty sick of each other after an entire week of being together 24/7. I have no idea how we are going to survive come June.

As the MC and I had spent all morning watching PBS on my bed and finally showered at 11:00, I was really hoping that the other two chirrens would be able to get ready in 15 minutes (nothing like making plans at the last minute, right?). TQ was dressed to kill as always (she's reached the age where she won't leave the house without full hair/makeup/outfit), but I knew Fox was probably in a wife beater T and basketball shorts. You can imagine my surprise when he walked into my room with a Chaps long sleeve, button down shirt on with a brown T underneath, and clean jeans with no holes. He was even wearing socks. His hair had been water styled into the "Edward do".

Thank you Stephenie Meyer.

Because she created a well dressed and groomed vampire who attracts every lady with a pulse, my son- the boy who up to this point refused to wear anything but short sleeves and thinks that jeans can be worn for 3 or 4 times in a row depending on the number of times he's played soccer or football in them and how deep the grass stains go- actually cares what he looks like. It's not even Sunday!

Apparently, the Twilight phenomenon is not limited to those with XX chromosomes. Can you imagine how wonderful this world would be if every male decided to become an Edward (minus the blood drinking, no pulse issue). It would be like we'd taken a time warp to the first half of the 20th Century, when men dressed up to impress their ladies, shined their shoes, opened doors. Perhaps there would be a rebirth of dueling, and men would fight to the death to defend a woman's honor. It's the ultimate act of love, the sacrifice of one's own life in place of another.

But I'm getting carried away.

Fox wants to be like Edward because he "rocks" with the ladies (he's planning to try his new persona come Monday on the lovely blond named Emerson who sits behind him. I've met her- she's a cutie), and because of his uber cool powers. To be honest, at 8 years old the powers are much more appealing to Fox than charming the same girls that torment him daily at lunch recess. He wants to be able to run faster than anyone alive, be strong enough to rip out trees, and jump/fly over mountains and trees. He wants really cold skin that sparkles in the sun- he even warned me that now that he's a vampire I should probably keep him out of school on sunny days or everyone will know what he is.

On the way to the movie, Fox had a flash of brilliance. Why couldn't he be a Ranger Vampire?? What could be more perfect than a fusion of the RPM series black and/or Jungle Fever rhino Power Rangers and vampiric perfection? Fox RV would be indestructible, and would have lots of different cars to make the first and only handsome but deadly Megazord.

All this, and he hasn't even seen what the werewolves can do.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My Boys

The time of the day that the Man Child is sweetest........the minute he wakes up.

The time of the day that he's a dog chasing, tantrum throwing monster with only one volume level (screaming)...........every minute after that.

We just found the MC's snack stash under the couch. Apparently he's taken a liking to doggie treats. No wonder his diapers smell like, well, you know.

Gum is like crack to my two year old, and toothpaste is his heroin.

Fox came down from showering this morning with a mickey mouse t-shirt on and his hair spiked in the front. He said he was going to try to look more like Edward Cullen. We pointed out that Edward doesn't wear that type of shirt (meaning a t-shirt), so he went upstairs and changed into a brown t, because "edward's into brown". Much better. He has also requested that I buy brown pants, because what's more veggie vampire than an all brown ensemble? He'd also like to know how he can make his skin colder. His first thought was to try to fit in the freezer...

Since Fox is all done with the basketball season, he's decided to spend his free time developing another talent.

Arm pit farting

He was practicing so much we had to ground him from it for a week.

I am so proud.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Hail to the Queen

At 1:25 p.m. today I received the news that I've been waiting for all week.

Tween Queen won her Student Body Officer election for the 09-10 year!!!!

I am SO proud of this girl. The King and I were so worried when we moved at the end of 5th grade last year that it would be hard for her to acclimate to a new school, especially since it she would be the new girl in a 6th grade where most of the kids have been going to school together since Kindergarten. I should have known better. TQ is amazing, outgoing, friendly, likable and lovable- basically as good as a kid can get.

The elections were held yesterday, but she's had over a week of election activities and preparations. They posted the results after school, and she said there was a stampede of frenzied 12 year olds to get to the sheet. She didn't even need to see the results as she was bombarded by students giving their congrats before she could leave her classroom. Once all the kids had cleared (it's Friday, and you'd be amazed how fast they get out of there!) we decided to go back to the 6th grade hall so she and I could see the result sheet. While admiring the big " Congratulations Tween Queen, our Student Body Officer at Syracuse Junior High 09-10" sign, the teacher who was over the elections came out to greet us. She told me how wonderful TQ is, and how great a job she'll do, then said "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but she won by a landslide. She had double the votes of any other candidate". Not that it matters, but it just makes my heart so happy to know that TQ is such a good kid and that her peers see that as well.

Congrats Bug. You are the best daughter any mom could ever ask for. You are going to have a blast next year, and will be such a fantastic leader for all the 7th graders.

Heart you for ever and ever.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Just an update for anyone who cares..

To add another layer to the "it is him, it isn't him" controversy, I just logged on to Twitter and went to Gerard Butler's page. He now has a link that goes right to his IMDB page.

I'm still not convinced though.

The Murtaugh List

I love lists.

No, not shopping lists. I hate cooking.

I'm talking about the extremely popular and purely gratuitous pop culture lists of the 20th and 21st centuries....most beautiful people, worst restaurants, most overused cliches, things that must go, etc....

Since I'm always looking for something new to blog about, I thought I'd take a hint from every magazines no-brainer department and start a weekly "List". I'm not sure what these lists will be from week to week, but they can't be anything worse than what Seventeen and Glamour provide, and are guaranteed to be a whole lot more realistic and relevant to all of us "real" people.

For this week's list, I turn to Monday's episode of How I met Your Mother
where Ted unveils the Murtaugh List (in honor of the great Lethal Weapon character Roger Murtaugh played by Danny Glover) otherwise known as the list of things that qualify under the catchphrase of "I'm too old to be doing this stuff". While Ted's list includes many activities that I've never done once let alone enough times to have become too old for, it made me wonder. What "stuff" does a stay-at-home wife/mother of three/altogether uninteresting and unexciting person become too old for at 32??

Loma's List of stuff that I'm too old for:

*Wearing an article of clothing made primarily of spandex. Unless, of course, it's spanx or some other body shaper meant to be worn under clothing and out of sight. Then I say, bring it on!

*Wearing a swimsuit without shorts over it. Why should anyone else have to look at that???

*Wearing a thong in any form, swim suit, undies, workout clothes, etc... I had a high school aerobics teacher who would wear thong leotards. Every day. The image is burned into my brain. After 30 there are just too many places where that little piece of fabric can get stuck.

*Having the bass set so high in the car that it shakes surrounding vehicles when stopped in traffic. It's a double sin if you're pumping gangsta rap and you've got 2 kids in car seats in the back seat.

*Going to dance clubs

*Dancing at dance clubs

*Participating in any sport that would be an event in the X Games.

*Having more children. I should actually qualify that as being too old to be pregnant ever again. My hat goes off to women who start having children after 30- you are a much better person than me. I had the Man Child 2 months after my 30th birthday and two years later I'm still convinced that he aged me 10 years during those 9 months of gestation. If he had been my first he'd be my last.

* Not working out: The absolute crappiest part of getting older is that you have to work twice as hard to get half the results.

*Wearing any kind of flower hair accessory. Cute on the 2-12 year old crowd, maybe even into the teens, but definitely not over 20.

*Learning new things: With each child and each day that passes my brain cells are dying at an alarming rate. I can actually feel myself getting dumber (see, it's real. A few years ago I would have said "less intelligent").

*High School Musical 1, 2, 3....20 and Hannah Montana: Are they even supposed to be entertaining? All I can think when I hear one of the 1000 songs they've pimped out from these shows is "did a group of 5 and 6 year olds in Sunshine Generation write this?"

*Trying to look cool around my kids' friends.

*Being Idealistic. In my teens I thought I could change the world, in my twenties I downgraded my ambitions to my nation and community. Now, I'll consider myself a success if my children reach adulthood without being guests on Jerry Springer.

*Going out in public without makeup.

*Wearing my hair in pigtails or braids. I still do this because it's just to easy to call my hair "done" in this style, but I know I'm too old for it.

*Entering a mosh pit-I've never actually done this- I've been invited to a few times though- but at least now I have a good excuse not to.

*Getting a tattoo on any body part that has/will start sagging- As much as I really, really, really want one, that time has come and passed. Nothing is worse than seeing a tramp stamp of a whale (it was actually once a dolphin) on a 50 year old in a bikini. If you can't visualize it, go to Hulu or YouTube and look up the SNL commercial on tattoo remover. It's almost as good as "I need more Cow Bell!"

*Getting a belly ring- same reasons as above.

*Coming up with "Creative" date nights- Although every therapist in the world says you need variety to keep a relationship interesting, by the end of the week I'm just happy to grab a value meal from McD's with The King and go for a 15 minute drive while we eat. It's minus the kids, so that's considered "quality" time, right???

*Getting grossed out when I see my parents kiss, or accidentally find mom's "special nighties" in her pajama drawer. And yet, I still do. This reminds me of a great story from my childhood which I could use as a Flashback Friday. Before I do though, I have to make sure my parents don't actually read this blog. I'm pretty sure they don't, but I'd be in trouble if they did.

*Spending an afternoon at the mall and being able to leave with a modicum of self-esteem. Seriously, there should be a mall where patrons have to be thirty and over, or have given birth to more than one child to get in the door.

*Wearing ultra low-rise jeans. Actually, no one should wear these. Haven't we seen enough coin slots???

*Wearing leggings

*Start a band. I have this super cool friend from my old hood (okay, I should add to the list using terms like "hood" and "crib") who is the most brilliant and spiritual person I've ever had the honor to know, and she wants to learn to play the drums as much as I want to play the guitar. Alas, we will probably just stick with the cello and flute, respectively, but in our minds we are always rock stars.

I thought my list was complete, but the TQ just chipped in that I'm too old for dancing in the car and trying to be cool in front of her friends (funny, I think I already mentioned that, yet it stings a little more when she says it). Well, the next time the friends are over it's "real" mom time- I'll wear my rattiest ill-fitting sweats with my torn "Team Edward" t-shirt a neon scrunchy and tell her I'm just keepin' it real.

If they are coming over I bet I'll need to take them home eventually. What a perfect opportunity to show them how I get my groove on to "All the Single Ladies".

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Catching up...

It seems like forever since I've posted anything new, but it's only been 5 days! So much has happened since last week, and I could write epic poems describing it all, but instead I'll fore go my usual prose and just a brief synopsis (yes, I can actually be brief).

First, the Tween Queen made it into the finals for Student Body Officer for her Junior High next year!!!!! I am so proud of her- she is everything great that I am not: outgoing, sociable, fearless...I could go on and on. I have to go watch her final speech in front of the whole grade today. It's super funny- she compares everything she'll do to Chuck Norris. Say a little prayer for her, please!!!!

Second, she went to her first "real" (as in not being 5 or 6 and not really recognizing gender differences) boy/girl birthday party on Saturday. She had a very busy weekend! The boy she likes wasn't there, but the other boys were good friends and they had a blast going bowling. I think they almost got kicked out at one point because of all the noise they were making, but hey, that just says they were having fun, right? Later Saturday night, the same girls from the party were at our house having a Twilight screening and the boys from the party came and doorbell ditched them. Granted, the boys DID call ahead to let them know they were going to, so the girls caught them, but you should have heard the cackling and plotting in my front entryway as the girls waited for them! Being the super cool mom I am (someone has to think it, so it might as well be me), I let the boys come in and they all went in the basement and played with Fox's batman and star wars costumes, and rode around on the MC's jeep and big wheel. SO LOUD. SO VERY, VERY LOUD.

Last of all, and probably the best, we got a puppy!!!!!

She is a black morkie (Maltese Yorkie) and she is so soft and snugly. The first night was a bit difficult as she yelped and cried most of the night, but she's been better every day since. She came pretty much paper trained (yay!!!!!), and for now we are only allowing her to roam on tile surfaces- if we take her any where with carpet she has to be held. The kids adore her, but we are struggling with her name. The King wanted to name her Ezzie (after a nickname from my youth) and the kids like it, but I'm not sure how I feel about the dog being named after me. Also, we end up calling her Izzy half the time (and we don't even watch Grey's Anatomy), and the MC just calls her DOG. Actually "GOOD DOG" (yelled of course). The poor thing has already learned to turn and run when she sees him coming.

What a fantastic & eventful weekend.