Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Murtaugh List

I love lists.

No, not shopping lists. I hate cooking.

I'm talking about the extremely popular and purely gratuitous pop culture lists of the 20th and 21st centuries....most beautiful people, worst restaurants, most overused cliches, things that must go, etc....

Since I'm always looking for something new to blog about, I thought I'd take a hint from every magazines no-brainer department and start a weekly "List". I'm not sure what these lists will be from week to week, but they can't be anything worse than what Seventeen and Glamour provide, and are guaranteed to be a whole lot more realistic and relevant to all of us "real" people.

For this week's list, I turn to Monday's episode of How I met Your Mother
where Ted unveils the Murtaugh List (in honor of the great Lethal Weapon character Roger Murtaugh played by Danny Glover) otherwise known as the list of things that qualify under the catchphrase of "I'm too old to be doing this stuff". While Ted's list includes many activities that I've never done once let alone enough times to have become too old for, it made me wonder. What "stuff" does a stay-at-home wife/mother of three/altogether uninteresting and unexciting person become too old for at 32??

Loma's List of stuff that I'm too old for:

*Wearing an article of clothing made primarily of spandex. Unless, of course, it's spanx or some other body shaper meant to be worn under clothing and out of sight. Then I say, bring it on!

*Wearing a swimsuit without shorts over it. Why should anyone else have to look at that???

*Wearing a thong in any form, swim suit, undies, workout clothes, etc... I had a high school aerobics teacher who would wear thong leotards. Every day. The image is burned into my brain. After 30 there are just too many places where that little piece of fabric can get stuck.

*Having the bass set so high in the car that it shakes surrounding vehicles when stopped in traffic. It's a double sin if you're pumping gangsta rap and you've got 2 kids in car seats in the back seat.

*Going to dance clubs

*Dancing at dance clubs

*Participating in any sport that would be an event in the X Games.

*Having more children. I should actually qualify that as being too old to be pregnant ever again. My hat goes off to women who start having children after 30- you are a much better person than me. I had the Man Child 2 months after my 30th birthday and two years later I'm still convinced that he aged me 10 years during those 9 months of gestation. If he had been my first he'd be my last.

* Not working out: The absolute crappiest part of getting older is that you have to work twice as hard to get half the results.

*Wearing any kind of flower hair accessory. Cute on the 2-12 year old crowd, maybe even into the teens, but definitely not over 20.

*Learning new things: With each child and each day that passes my brain cells are dying at an alarming rate. I can actually feel myself getting dumber (see, it's real. A few years ago I would have said "less intelligent").

*High School Musical 1, 2, 3....20 and Hannah Montana: Are they even supposed to be entertaining? All I can think when I hear one of the 1000 songs they've pimped out from these shows is "did a group of 5 and 6 year olds in Sunshine Generation write this?"

*Trying to look cool around my kids' friends.

*Being Idealistic. In my teens I thought I could change the world, in my twenties I downgraded my ambitions to my nation and community. Now, I'll consider myself a success if my children reach adulthood without being guests on Jerry Springer.

*Going out in public without makeup.

*Wearing my hair in pigtails or braids. I still do this because it's just to easy to call my hair "done" in this style, but I know I'm too old for it.

*Entering a mosh pit-I've never actually done this- I've been invited to a few times though- but at least now I have a good excuse not to.

*Getting a tattoo on any body part that has/will start sagging- As much as I really, really, really want one, that time has come and passed. Nothing is worse than seeing a tramp stamp of a whale (it was actually once a dolphin) on a 50 year old in a bikini. If you can't visualize it, go to Hulu or YouTube and look up the SNL commercial on tattoo remover. It's almost as good as "I need more Cow Bell!"

*Getting a belly ring- same reasons as above.

*Coming up with "Creative" date nights- Although every therapist in the world says you need variety to keep a relationship interesting, by the end of the week I'm just happy to grab a value meal from McD's with The King and go for a 15 minute drive while we eat. It's minus the kids, so that's considered "quality" time, right???

*Getting grossed out when I see my parents kiss, or accidentally find mom's "special nighties" in her pajama drawer. And yet, I still do. This reminds me of a great story from my childhood which I could use as a Flashback Friday. Before I do though, I have to make sure my parents don't actually read this blog. I'm pretty sure they don't, but I'd be in trouble if they did.

*Spending an afternoon at the mall and being able to leave with a modicum of self-esteem. Seriously, there should be a mall where patrons have to be thirty and over, or have given birth to more than one child to get in the door.

*Wearing ultra low-rise jeans. Actually, no one should wear these. Haven't we seen enough coin slots???

*Wearing leggings

*Start a band. I have this super cool friend from my old hood (okay, I should add to the list using terms like "hood" and "crib") who is the most brilliant and spiritual person I've ever had the honor to know, and she wants to learn to play the drums as much as I want to play the guitar. Alas, we will probably just stick with the cello and flute, respectively, but in our minds we are always rock stars.

I thought my list was complete, but the TQ just chipped in that I'm too old for dancing in the car and trying to be cool in front of her friends (funny, I think I already mentioned that, yet it stings a little more when she says it). Well, the next time the friends are over it's "real" mom time- I'll wear my rattiest ill-fitting sweats with my torn "Team Edward" t-shirt a neon scrunchy and tell her I'm just keepin' it real.

If they are coming over I bet I'll need to take them home eventually. What a perfect opportunity to show them how I get my groove on to "All the Single Ladies".


  1. Ha! I totally agree wit this list, it's great. I struggle with the makeup one though. I know I look like crap without it but I just don't put it on a lot of days. We may be too old to start a real band but I have a heck of a lot of fun playing Rock Band at home.

  2. I am so on board with the leggings one. So many ladies in my ward wear them to church. I have to laugh at them everytime they walk by. Don;t they realize how stupid they look?

  3. Christy- that's awesome that you have band ambitions too. We need a bass player, or lead vocalist :)

    Leggings are beyond ridiculous.