Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm Off To Disneyland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm outta here. I'm not taking my laptop so I'll have to catch everyone up on my adventures when I get back.


Ever Tried To Milk A Camel?????

"A new line of premium chocolate will soon be introduced in Britain.

Dubai-based Al Nassma is the first brand that makes chocolate with camel's milk.

The company began operations in October 2008 and reportedly hopes to make 100 tons of the sweet treat a year.

The company says camel's milk has five times more Vitamin C than cow's milk, less fat, less lactose and more insulin."

Well, I think they've done it- I'm cured of my chocolate addiction. I don't think I'll ever be able to eat chocolate again without wondering "hmmmmm, where did they get they milk from?"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

My List of....Important Parenting Lessons I Learned While Cleaning My Sons' Room.

1. Never, ever try to figure out what a mystery stain is by smelling, or worse tasting, it.

2. Never trust the trash. Burn all the old, worn out undies otherwise they'll somehow teleport back to the drawer.

3. If it is put in their closet, boys will wear any article of clothing- whether it's their 12 year old sister's pajamas or mom's t-shirt.

4. Put two and two together- if you find evidence of hair clippings on the floor and your son has been wearing a hat indoors all morning, chances are someone was playing barber shop. When you confront the culprit, remember to be grateful that he stopped at his own hair and didn't try his skills on his little brother.

5. When pushed into a corner, always assume that your son is lying- then what a pleasant surprise you'll have if you find out that he is actually telling the truth!

6. If they fess up quickly, keep digging- chances are they are hiding something worse.

7. Divide and conquer- always question them separately so they can't get their stories straight.

8. Kids need to know their boundaries. Let them know that you are now and always will be smarter than them, so they shouldn't ever try to pull one over on you.

9. When trying to decide how to manage your sons' closet, think about how you would organize it for a monkey, then make it one step easier to handle than that.

10. If you think you are doing something nice for your kids and they'll really appreciate it, get over it. They won't.

11. Necessity dictates that a boy's room has it's own cleaning schedule. Change the sheets 2 or 3 times as often as you would in any other bedroom in the house.

12. Don't ever err on the side of "it's probably clean"- just wash it.

13. The perfect punishment for an out of control, pig sty of a room is to collect all the things they love most and then secretly smuggle them into the basement storage room. Later, pour yourself a nice big Diet Coke and watch them fruitlessly search, and search, and search............

#14, and The Most Important lesson I learned today is to make sure that your husband doesn't leave for work with your car keys so that you are stuck home all day with nothing better to do than complete all the jobs you've been putting off forever because you really don't want to do cleaning your sons' room!!!

Ah, The Fruits of Brotherly Love

Fox has completely worn out all the usual punishments. He's grounded from the wii, his DS, computer time, and last night we canceled the cable.

Yes, he's been that naughty lately.

He's not alone in his deviant behavior. The Man CHild is ususally his accomplice and/or intended victim in most of the crimes. Unfortunately, the Man Child is not motivated by the loss of toys or priviledges. The only way to punish him is to force him to sit still for 30 seconds at a time, but it's not worth the beating he doles out when trying to hold him still. Even Fox's punishments are ineffective. If I took all his toys away he'd still find a paper clip and turn it into a battleship or robot.

Short of removing every toy and piece of furnuture from their room except for their beds, and then locking them inside, I have no way to control the terrible twosome. More often than not they are allies in their war against parental control. It's a little sick, but I almost hope for them to get into it with each other so that I can divide and conquere. This morning Fox took a swipe at the MC, who immediately ran to me for comfort, then walked back to his brother and without any hesitation whacked him in the stomach.

Wow. At least when I was a kid I had the presence of mind to hit my siblings when no adult was around.

True, he was only giving retribution for his own attack, but the whole episode left me feeling like I am fighting a loosing battle with those two. Yes, when they fight they fight hard and ugly. But they also have a lot of fun together and live in their own little "guy" world most of the time. Man Child constantly asks where Fox is when he's not within eye sight, and although Fox is still a less-than-impressive babysitter, he actually plays with his brother when they are together (unlike his sister the TQ who sits on the couch and reads while "babysitting"- but at least MC doesn't get out of the yard under her watch).

Got to go- it's dead silent in the house and that is never a good thing.

2 days until I run away..

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Mom Gone Wild Count Down.......

Four days and counting until I run away from home.....

Eight days until I come back home to an unholy disaster and a mountain of laundry....

But it will be worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's So True It's Almost Prophetic.....

A few weeks ago I found the most hilarious blog on Condron. The writer is a brilliant satirist/beaten down father of 3. I feel a certain camaraderie with him....I wonder if he has a Man Child too? If you don't like sarcasm, or tend to take people very literally, this is probably not your cup of tea. But if you worship at the altar of irony, here's a new church:

Isn't that the best URL ever????

What Did You Talk About On Your Way To Harry Potter??

I've gotten used to the fact that I never know what Fox is going to say at any given moment. Will it be a completely random thought? Will it be teasing? Will it make my heart break?

More often than not, it's something mildly inappropriate. But therein lies his comedic genius.

On Thursday night Fox and I had a mommy/son date to see Harry Potter 6. I love one on one time with Fox. He doesn't have an older sister around to censor him, or a baby brother to steal away all the attention. When Fox is sibling-less he comes alive, and Doesn't Stop Talking!

We had a twenty minute drive to the theater in Ogden (the local theaters don't have reserved seating, and I've become so spoiled that I refuse to wait in line for an hour to see a movie. I think Fox covered about 2 dozen different topics during the time, but here is a list of the highlights. You'll notice most are in question form- He gave me about 20 seconds to give an answer- and I'm now convinced this kid's mind never takes a break from analyzing the world around him.

*Who invented mirrors?

*Is there a place called Swissland? Do they eat cheese there?

*Why can't humans be cold blooded?

*Can humans read minds, or do you have to be a vampire like Edward Cullen? (To this question I had begin by reminding him that vampires aren't real).

*How does God know everything?

*So is God a mutant? (Yes, he's been watching X-Men a lot this summer)

*Can robots lay eggs?

*What would happen if every time someone said "ba-caw", they laid an egg? Would they have to have a hole in their underwear for the egg to come out?

*Do bugs have butts?

*Why do orangutans have red butts?

*Do animals fart?

*What is natural gas used for?

*(follow up question that was inspired by my answer to the above question): You mean we heat our house and water with FARTS?????

*So are burps just farts that come out of our mouths?

At this point I had to tell him that the farting questions were done, to which he responded "That's okay mom. We can talk about boogers, poop, pee, stinky armpits.... So what are boogers made of? Why are they green? Can they really form worms in your stomach?"

Just in the nick of time I pulled into the parking lot and thus didn't have the time to give the science of booger formation its due diligence. It also helped that once inside the theater his mind switched to trying to find ways to convince me to let him have extra butter on his popcorn.

Thankfully, it was 10:00 PM when the movie got out, and Fox was too tired from a long day and popcorn overdose to remember that we hadn't finished our earlier conversation.

But there will always be next time............

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Attention all gamers- "Epic Dragon" is now on iTunes!!!

My amazingly talented friend Heidi and her husband just created a new game for the iPhone/iPods called "Epic Dragon". Heidi created all the artwork for the game, and it is SO COOL!! Head on over to iTunes and check it out.

I just joined the 21st century a month ago and got my very first iPod and I am totally addicted to it. I'm planning on spending all of Wednesday night- when I should be packing- loading up my iPod with games and movies for the flight. I remember flying as a child and my poor mom having to pack a 50 pound bag full of coloring books, treats and games to keep us entertained.

I love technology!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Can That Really Be Considered a Birthday Gift??

The King just found out that Granny Andy has evoked a no-present moratorium for the grand 86th fiesta tomorrow.

So he asked if he could give her a strip tease and a lap dance instead. He also offered to stuff $1 bills down her 35 year old polyester pants while he danced.

Well, she did say she wanted to die, and a heart attack is not that bad of a way to go. At least she'll leave this life with a smile on her face.

My List of.....Questions That Pop Into My Head While Watching Sesame Street.

*After 30+ years, why hasn't Big Bird mastered the alphabet? Why isn't this guy in a special education program? Perhaps someone should take Radar away.

*Why is the count called "the count"- as if he's the master of counting or something? The man can't count beyond double digits!

*What happened to Gordon's wife Susan? I bet she left him for a guy with a mustache AND a beard.

*Why does it take 2 guys run Mr. Hooper's store? There's only one aisle! And how does Chris live in NY on a store clerk's salary?

*How many people really take their toaster to a repair shop anymore? And how do Luis and Maria make any money considering they'd have to charge $5 to fix one because people could just buy a new one at Walmart for $10?

*Why don't Bert and Ernie just get over it and break up? They never get along, Ernie is always waking up Bert, Bert has severe OCD, and their interests are so different (rubber duckies vs. bottle caps and pigeons) What do these guys see in each other?. Time to move on to a new unibrow Ernie.

*When Baby bear starts growing a beard and drinking will the poor guy finally get an age appropriate name? Isn't he in his teens now? If they had ever sent him to school perhaps a speech therapist could have worked on that lisp.

*Where do all the cookie pieces go that cookie monster "eats"?

*What ever happened to Zoe? Did she become an EMO when she realized that she would never be as cute or lovable as Elmo? I bet she wears all black now and is lead singer in a goth band and writes lyrics about how life is pain. Perhaps they'll do an E! True Hollywood Story on her in a few years- one of those "what happened to this child star" episodes.

*Why are they trying to teach children that it's okay to be whiny, bawling emotionally needy monsters in the song "It's Alright, You Can Cry"? Adulthood is all about emotional suppression- it's better to prepare them early.

*"Triangle Bob"- Sesame Street's answer to "Sponge Bob"- is the most blatant and pathetic attempt at being current and relevant in a world of mass media and product marketing to date. I know this is a statement, not a question, but it deserves being said anyway. Whatever writer came up with that brilliant idea should be demoted to writing "letter of the day" spots.

*Did Mary of the "Mary Had a little lamb" nursey rhyme have gender realignment surgery, and if so, how was this not picked up by the major news networks? (Maybe they did a feature on Fairy Tale news and I just missed it) Mary has become Murray and hangs with a lamb named Ovahita. Just a suggestion-she/he probably needs to cut down on the testosterone shots, cause she/he is getting awfully hairy.

*Wouldn't it be considered cannibalism to eat fruits and veggies that can talk and sing? Why are they so happy while they sing about how delicious they taste- are they suicidal??

*Is it really unreasonable that Oscar is constantly grouchy? I would be pretty pissed too if I had been stuck in a garbage can on the sidewalk for decades. Lets try for some compassion and understanding people.

*Why hasn't any other couple/person on SS other than Luis and Maria been able to have a biological child? Don't get me wrong- I'm all for adoption. But why hasn't someone investigated if there's something in the water that causes infertility?

*How can Hoots the Owl play the sax without fingers?

*Was Prairie Dawn the secret love child of Guy Smiley and Polly Darton? If so, where did they send Prairie Dawn to grow up in anonymity while being trained in the biz? Hee Haw?? Branson Missouri maybe??

*Why didn't anyone send a social worker to investigate Snuffalupagos's home life? It's not normal for someone to be that lethargic and depressed all the time.

*How do the characters not feel violated with hands stuck up their butts all day long? SS must have really good attorneys to have avoided sexual harassment suits for this long.

Apparently Granny Was On The Right Track After All....

For those who have been know to swear a time or two:

"Scientists at England's Keele University say people swear when they hurt themselves because it actually reduces the pain.

The lead researcher got the idea after listening to his wife swear uncontrollably while delivering their child.

The study had men and women place a hand in a bucket of ice water for as long as they could stomach the pain.

Scientists found that the participants could tolerate the pain for longer periods of time when bellowing out curse words."

Unfortunately this story came out 2 days too late. Had I known it was "anesthetic", I would have let off a string of curses that would make a sailor blush while having my arm twisted and pulled to get the X-rays done. Instead I just held my breath through it and then said "thank you so much" to the X-ray tech-sadist after.

But now I know for the future.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Stop Reading Now If You Don't Want HP6 Spoilers!

Oh. My. Gosh.

I just returned from HP6 with Fox and I want to drive right back to the theater and see it again.

It was THAT good.

Sure they deviated from the book, and yes, I wish they had included the big Order/Death Eater fight inside Hogwarts at the end. I'm sure there are many rabid fans pulling at the strings of their Gryffindor capes in frustration right now. But come on people, the movie is a totally different species from the book! If I had seen the Twilight movie before reading the books I probably would have boycotted them with the same unashamed malice that I had for Titanic (Stupid Leo DeCaprio and your overused "I'm King of the World" crap). The HP movies will never be perfectly true to the genius that is J.K. Rowling's series. How can they when they are but a reproduction, not the original piece of art. I'm just impressed that they managed to get in all the important plot lines and many of the details in less than 3 hours.

I loved that they made most of the movie so humorous and light. It was such a poignant contrast to and heightened the emotion of the events of the last 45 minutes! Lavender was a perfect "Single White Female" stalker and Ron doped up on love potion was hilarious!!!! For the first time in the 6 movies I saw a real, easy friendship between Hermione and Harry (which if you've read book 7 you know how important that camaraderie will be). I even need to give a shout out to the poor little waif with bleached hair and skin who plays Draco. He actually acted in this movie- bravo to the scary albino!

The one iffy- but not necessarily bad- part of the movie was the budding romances between Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny. The kiss between Harry and Ginny looked a little too timid- I mean, I know I just finished saying that we shouldn't compare the movie to the book, but they full on made out in the book- so their little peck came off as sweet but a tad incestuous (like kissing a second cousin- not that I've ever done that. Really, I promise. I may be from Utah but we do have limits). Ron and Hermione haven't lip locked yet, but I can't see how the inevitable kiss won't come off as awkward. They have no chemistry on screen. Don't get me wrong- I think they are both fabulous in their respective roles. It's just that I can't envision them kissing without throwing up a little in my mouth. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

All in all, HP6 is one fantastic, thrilling ride. I know a movie is good when my 8 year old has to pee so badly he's bouncing up and down an hour into it but he doesn't want to miss a single moment by leaving.

Thank heavens for bladder control.

Sorry Granny, You're Not Dying Today. But Cheer Up- There's Always Tomorrow!

This Saturday my mother's entire extended family will meet on Aunt Bev's patio for the annual celebration of our beloved Grandma Andy's birthday. It's guaranteed to be an evening of great food, catching up, and lots of laughter.

Unfortunately, the guest of honor wishes she didn't have to come.

It's not because she doesn't like the forced attention of a party, though I'm sure that's an honor she'd rather do without.

The fact is Granny is sick of living.

Can you blame the lady? She has outlived a son, a husband, her siblings and parents, and most of her friends. Since having hip replacement surgery 2 years ago her quality of life has gone way down. She rarely leaves the house except for short trips to the grocery store, her Friday 'do appointment at the salon, and church on Sunday.

Two weeks ago she passed out while making herself breakfast. Fortunately she was revived quickly and was able to scoot herself over to the phone to call my mom (she has a cell phone but never keeps it with her!!!!). My sister Fancy ran to Granny's house and found her pale as a ghost, lying on the floor, with charred pancakes on the stove and the whole house full of smoke and the fire alarms blaring. It scared Fancy to death. By the time I got to the house an hour later the smoke was gone but the entire place smelled like a camp fire. Granny was obviously hurting but she refused to allow my parents to call an ambulance or be taken to see a doctor. She didn't leave the house again for a week.

As Granny always says, "Getting old is the pits". Granny has aged so much in the last 5 years. After spending 70+ years untouched by the ravages of time, the years finally caught up with her, and she is tired body, mind and soul. It's hard to reprimand her when she says, as she did last week when my mom and I went to fill a prescription for her, "Dang doctors and their pills. All they want to do is keep you alive" (only she didn't say "dang" but that other curse word that starts with a D. I've mentioned it before, but Granny's developed quite a potty mouth lately. My mom told her she'd used up her swear word quota for the week). She increasingly talks about "wishing she could just die". Before we could laugh it off as "silly Grandma", but I don't think she's joking at all anymore.

Grandma has worked hard her entire life. She deserves peace and rest, and to be free of the pains that torment her physically. But selfishly, I want her here for years to come; I think every one of her children and grandchildren feel the same way. We've always joked with her that she needs to live to 100, but now seeing how badly she hurts and how much she misses her loved ones long gone, I can honestly say that I wouldn't wish that on her in a million years.

So happy 86th birthday Grandma Andy. I hope we are able to celebrate #87 with you next year but if not, that's okay. I'm sure you and grandpa will be celebrating anyway.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Frick, Frick and Double Frick!!!!

Three days of stomach virus and dizziness, and what do I do the first morning I'm actually feeling a little bit better?

Fall down my basement stairs.

The good news is that they couldn't see a fracture on the X-ray. They did see that the bone is bruised really deeply and apparently I will be sporting a swollen and very black arm for a while.

At least I won't be sporting a full arm cast in Disneyland!

I am so done with this week.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Old White Men Can Bust A Move!!!

Want to see The King (aka. Cutie McChunky) in action? Check out this link:

The King is the "techie geek" that introduces the performance and then the performers afterwards.

His cohorts are the owner of his company and the VP of Sales. Would you have guessed from their dancing that they are a software company full of techies and dungeons and dragon grand wizards????

The things these guys will do for a client!

Tonight I Am Thankful For.......

*A wonderful hubby who has come home from work early for the last 2 days to take care of me and help out with the kids while I've been down and out with a stomach bug.

*Three wonderful kids who have tried their hardest to entertain themselves and each other while I've been sick. Thanks especially to TQ for mothering the Man Child and making sure he's been fed his regular 6 meals a day.

I am so blessed to call these angels my family.


Quote of the Day

Sea Bears and Fairy Tales are Real!!!!

-Sponge Bob Square Pants-

HAPPY HARRY POTTER WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




*Side Note*
I just watched Twilight for the 100th time, and it reaffirmed in my mind that the only good acting RPatx does in that entire movie is looking pained when kissing Kristen Stewart. And frankly, I don't think that was actually acting.

Please, please, please let New Moon be better.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Please, Please Take A Few Moments To Check This Out...

Just weeks ago The King's cousin's three year old daughter was diagnosed with a very rare brain tumor. The tumor is terminal. Her mother has set up a blog to chart Maryn's treatment and the experience of battling cancer.

Please check out her site at

Saturday, July 11, 2009

So, That's Really What You're Going To Call It?

Worst product branding EVER?????

The Urine Detector.

Coming in a close second......The Urine Eliminator.

Really, that was the best you could come up with?

Next time hire the Sham Bam or Oxy Clean marketing teams.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Some Things Are Just Not Meant To Be Fat Free

The King made me eat some fat free-sugar free vanilla ice cream from an old fashioned ice cream shop this morning.

Now I'm so sick I want to hurl.

I am allergic to milk products, but I don't think that's what caused these piercing stomach cramps because The King is experiencing them also. My "you probably shouldn't touch anything here with a ten foot pole" radar went off the minute I walked through the establishment's door and took a whiff. It smelled just like my grandpa's old milking barn.

We're now 6 hours post consumption and The King is so sick he couldn't move off his chair for 40 minutes.

Serves him and his stupid no fat, no taste, no happiness diet right.

(Just kidding hon-remember this is the stomach acid talking. I am very proud of you, and you look great. I just needed to be bitter for a moment)

Yes, It's Been A While..........

I have some serious blog repentance to do.

I can't believe I've gone this long without posting anything. I'm pretty sure no one missed reading it, but I have missed writing- it's cathartic. Venting usually is.

I'm really not an overly negative person. I have been worried that the person who comes in this would be characterized as such by someone who doesn't know me in "real" life.

Hence my absence for a week.

But going for a week without laying my life out in cyber space didn't prove me right or wrong. Yes, I like to vent to the faceless. But no, I don't hate my husband, children or the life I live. They are the funniest people I know, and looking back at my old posts I'm pretty sure I share their moments of comedic triumph just as much or more than their episodes of bad behavior.

What I've really missed is my daily "Tonight I am Thankful For" post. Heavenly Father has blessed us with so much, and it is easy to overlook that in the midst of trials or stress. By recalling two things each day that I am thankful for, it helps me remember just how much evidence there is in my life that I have a loving Father who watches over and guides me.

So I'm back. I won't try to catch up with all that's been going on, but push forward from now on. Right now I am a gigantic stressed out mess but after this weekend is over I'm sure I';ll return to the partially sane person I've always been.

Until then, everyone within a mile radius of me should probably beware for their own safety.

Just kidding. But really......