My brother and fellow Ute alumnus sent me the following email on Saturday and I've been itching all weekend to post it. Unfortunately a certain SOMEONE (no names here- I hate ratting people out, but by someone I might just mean a certain 5'4" twelve year old with brown hair who wears infinitely nicer clothes than her mother- who incidentally just so happens to have the patience and forgiving heart of a saint!!) tried to access my google account and got my password all messed up so that I had to wait until TODAY. Hopefully it is worth the wait:
SALT LAKE CITY, UT - In response to BYU quarterback Max Hall's recent statements, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has adopted an amendment to its Thirteenth Article of Faith. The revised declaration now reads, in pertinent part, "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men except those affiliated with the University of Utah , its football team, or fans thereof."
Additionally, LDS Church spokesman LaVerne Christiansen stated that General Authorities who had received academic degrees from the University of Utah would be immediately granted emeritus status and removed from their callings. "Except for President Monson," Christiansen explained, "because he repented of his [University of] Utah Bachelor's Degree by getting an MBA from the Lord's One True University ."
In related news, church scholars engaged in the Joseph Smith Papers Project have reported that they have recently discovered Smith's personal notes regarding the "inspired" translation of Matthew 5:44. "The King James Version has Christ telling his disciples to 'love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you,' which is all very good," said Project Editor F. Merrill Baker, Jr., "but the [newly discovered] Prophet's translation includes a caveat, making it clear that the Lord's pronouncement doesn't apply to the Utes."
"It's marvelous," continued Baker, who holds a doctorate in archival archaeology from Brigham Young University, "and it reveals that even though the University of Utah wasn't founded until 1850--more than five years after his death--Joseph Smith knew by the spirit of prophecy and inspiration that its football fans would spill their beer on BYU fans."
Just in case you didn't follow the admonition in my title and are now super offended and ready to turn me into my local church leaders for apostasy, might I remind you that THIS IS FAKE. You can't find it in the SL Tribune or the U's student newspaper, so don't even try. Besides, it won't work; I happen to know that my Bishop isn't a BYU fan.
Church is true people.
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