Monday, September 7, 2009

To Kick The King Or Not- That Is The Question....

It's well past midnight and I can't sleep. But this time the insomnia is not caffeine induced.

For the third night in a row, The King has fallen asleep on MY side of the bed.

Is it considered spousal abuse if I kick him while he's unconscious? I can almost guarantee that he won't wake up and even if he did, he won't remember it in the morning.

No permanent damage, and I'd feel lots better.

Every so often, The King pulls his patented "now which side of the bed do I sleep on?" Alzheimer's routine. At 35 he can't possibly be that forgetful! Sure, he has trouble remembering if his toothbrush is the blue one or the orange, but if he messes up and uses mine I can just throw it away and get a new one.

I don't want to throw away my King. He's still got a lot of good use left in him, and frankly just the thought of training a new model makes me determined to (a) never, ever get divorced and (b) swear to become a nun should I ever have the misfortune of becoming a widow. No Captain Von Trap will ever ensnare me with his schnitzel and noodles and 7 precocious but vocally gifted children.

I just don't understand why he has to "test out the other side" every so often. Is it that my side is softer? Does it look more inviting from afar? The biggest irony is that The King announced right after the honeymoon that he could not sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door (it had something to do with his fear that the first person to get attacked in a home invasion is the first one seen- hence if he sleeps one the other side I'm the first to get murdered. Chivalry isn't dead my friends). So for the last 13+ years, through several apartments and 2 homes, no matter how our bedroom was oriented I have served as bedroom door watch guard and semi-willing martyr to any bloodthirsty robber. I have become so accustomed to "my" duty that when The King is out of town on business I remain faithful to my post- I don't move even an inch onto his side of the bed!

Apparently being "The King" comes with certain privileges, just one being the right to kick me off my side at any time and without notice. The change usually only lasts a few days, but it's always just long enough to get my sleeping schedule completely out of whack so that it takes a week to recover. I've wondered over and over what catalyst ignites this pattern of behavior, and I think he simply gets lulled into a false sense of security and forgets to obsess on the perilous "what ifs" of living in middle class suburbia. Is it a merely coincidence that he hasn't methodically (okay compulsively) checked and rechecked all the doors and locks in the house for the same three days I ask you??

I think not.

I think I have no option but to get low and dirty. Maybe I heard a scratching on the patio door late at night. Was that a shadowy figure walking across the front lawn? Perhaps there's a rumor around the neighborhood that cars are being broken in to.

Could I possibly be so cruel?

Yes, I could. I'm tired. Get off my freaking side of the bed. I'm going to unlock every door in house right now. Sleep on that baby cakes.


  1. I heard that the neighbors were brutally murdered in their sleep... Well, more like the neighbors brutally snore in their sleep, but swap snore for murder and you have a new rumor. Pass it on...

  2. girl...just kick him! you make me laugh so hard