In our house the end of summer is not marked by TQ and Fox's return to school (although I have to shout a giant Halle-freaking-lujah for that great day!). No, in La Casa de King autumn is here when the power tools get pulled out and the garage gets turned into a workshop once again.

You see, we are creatures of habit. In the fall and through January, The King and I find dozens of home improvement projects indoors to keep us busy every weekend that we are not at Utah games. Last year we installed the wood floors in the entry, painted the entire 2nd and 3rd floors and put up enough fancy-schmancy finish work to just border on insanity. Burnout eventually occurs around February, so we hibernate until April when the energy returns and our eyes turn to the outdoors. From April to July we work with a vengeance on yard projects, but once the 100+ degree weather hits we throw our hands in the air and hope too many weeds can't grow in the scorching desert heat.

I used to favor the outdoor projects, but as I have learned to use and appreciate power tools I find myself anticipating the return of crisp fall weather more and more. The King is rather pleased with my evolution to carpenter as it has allowed him to buy as many tools as he wants (providing they are actually used in one of the crazy schemes I come up with) and I do a lot of the small jobs now on my own so he doesn't have to be bothered with them. All in all, it's a great system. He gets man tools, I get a skilled laborer and teacher.

Labor Day weekend marked the start of interior project season. I have wanted to change my kitchen cabinets since we bought the house a year ago, but only recently decided to paint and antique them rather than re stain. The cabinets are a natural knotty alder, which is a very soft wood that dents with the slightest force. We had the same cabinets in our old house, and I hated them and vowed never to have alder again. But when we found this house and fell in love with it, I decided the cabinets could be overlooked for the time being. Unfortunately, I am compulsively insane and those stupid cabinets have been gnawing at the back of my mind all year. Something must be done before I really loose it! So this last weekend we started the massive project of rehabbing them. The kitchen will be a disaster until I'm done, but at least that will give me an incentive to get the project done faster. I hope they turn out well, but if not it's okay. I hated them anyway so anything is an improvement and I'll just have a better reason to completely replace them when I win the lottery.

Well, I've procrastinated long enough. There are hundreds of nail holes, wood putty and sand paper calling my name. Someday when I have learned to use all the power tools I get to graduate beyond prep work and painting. Until then, I'll leave the complicated stuff for The King and I'll excel at the jobs a trained monkey could do.

*Pictures are forth coming!

By 11 O'clock this morning the Man Child had:

*disrobed himself

*dumped sugar all over the kitchen floor

*ripped a Berenstein Bears books to shreds and threw the pieces off the 3rd floor walkway onto the living room floor below

*rubbed gum into the carpet in my bedroom

*dumped out every book and toy in his room

By 11:05 I was ready to ship him off to the jungle.

But 5 minutes ago he fell asleep while watching "Cyber Chase" on my bed.

I love to watch him sleep. Only then is the Man Child is still long enough that I can see the shadow of the tiny baby Heavenly Father blessed me with almost 3 years ago. He was beautiful and perfect and sweet. That baby boy is still there; it's just now he's encased in a 40 pound- future linebacker & mass of pure willpower and stubbornness- package.

I have a 100 things I should be doing right now as I have an unexpected free afternoon, but instead I think I'll sit here and watch him a while longer.

What a beautiful boy.

To Kick The King Or Not- That Is The Question....

It's well past midnight and I can't sleep. But this time the insomnia is not caffeine induced.

For the third night in a row, The King has fallen asleep on MY side of the bed.

Is it considered spousal abuse if I kick him while he's unconscious? I can almost guarantee that he won't wake up and even if he did, he won't remember it in the morning.

No permanent damage, and I'd feel lots better.

Every so often, The King pulls his patented "now which side of the bed do I sleep on?" Alzheimer's routine. At 35 he can't possibly be that forgetful! Sure, he has trouble remembering if his toothbrush is the blue one or the orange, but if he messes up and uses mine I can just throw it away and get a new one.

I don't want to throw away my King. He's still got a lot of good use left in him, and frankly just the thought of training a new model makes me determined to (a) never, ever get divorced and (b) swear to become a nun should I ever have the misfortune of becoming a widow. No Captain Von Trap will ever ensnare me with his schnitzel and noodles and 7 precocious but vocally gifted children.

I just don't understand why he has to "test out the other side" every so often. Is it that my side is softer? Does it look more inviting from afar? The biggest irony is that The King announced right after the honeymoon that he could not sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door (it had something to do with his fear that the first person to get attacked in a home invasion is the first one seen- hence if he sleeps one the other side I'm the first to get murdered. Chivalry isn't dead my friends). So for the last 13+ years, through several apartments and 2 homes, no matter how our bedroom was oriented I have served as bedroom door watch guard and semi-willing martyr to any bloodthirsty robber. I have become so accustomed to "my" duty that when The King is out of town on business I remain faithful to my post- I don't move even an inch onto his side of the bed!

Apparently being "The King" comes with certain privileges, just one being the right to kick me off my side at any time and without notice. The change usually only lasts a few days, but it's always just long enough to get my sleeping schedule completely out of whack so that it takes a week to recover. I've wondered over and over what catalyst ignites this pattern of behavior, and I think he simply gets lulled into a false sense of security and forgets to obsess on the perilous "what ifs" of living in middle class suburbia. Is it a merely coincidence that he hasn't methodically (okay compulsively) checked and rechecked all the doors and locks in the house for the same three days I ask you??

I think not.

I think I have no option but to get low and dirty. Maybe I heard a scratching on the patio door late at night. Was that a shadowy figure walking across the front lawn? Perhaps there's a rumor around the neighborhood that cars are being broken in to.

Could I possibly be so cruel?

Yes, I could. I'm tired. Get off my freaking side of the bed. I'm going to unlock every door in house right now. Sleep on that baby cakes.

Are You A Player??

Not that kind of player, sickos. I know what you were thinking.

I mean have you joined the "Your Team" craze? If you haven't: (1) shame on you and (2) please get out a little more and finally (3) I'm not going to go into detail here but if you want to crawl out of the hole you've been in and start playing you can leave a comment and I'll explain the intricacies of the game there.

For now, just pretend you're following me.

As any seasoned player knows, Walmart provides a 24/7 veritable feast of potential "members". Upon returning from Cali and lamenting the lack of plentiful game material in Utah that we witnessed in the land of Mickey Mouse, my sista Fancy took to the Internet and found a new upstart site-wwww.peopleofwalmart.com- which might be the single greatest dot com invention since Ebay. I don't know if the creators are Teamers, but if they aren't they were undoubtedly inspired by the patron saints of mockery to provide the world with such inspiring art and ample proof that Walmart is actually a 4th dimension or porthole to another world.

Geniuses at wwww.peopleofwalmart.com, we salute you!