Thursday, March 17, 2011

So What You're Saying Is That Not Everyone Celebrates Birthdays Like This???

It started out with good intentions. A celebration for my mom's 60th birthday. Just the family, some food, maybe a little teasing and humor. All in good taste of course.

Obviously it spiraled out of control quickly. I blame it on my dad. He's the one who suggested we hold a mockeral (mock=funeral. Yeah, feel free to make it a new "thing") for our aging mother so she could hear the eulogies we'd give someday at the real deal.

He really wanted to fashion a coffin of sorts, and hold the wake at the cemetery where they have already purchased their plots (uhm, I know it's good planning but can I just say EWWWW! If I wanted I could visit my parent's graves every year on Memorial Day and then have a barbecue with them an hour later). That plan was scrapped at the last minute because she might just think we were taking it a teeny-tiny bit too far. Hence, the mockeral took place in the parlor, which is kind of appropriate as it's a room reserved only for important visiting guests and dignitaries, like the Home Teachers.

Mom posed as if comfortably resting in her casket, her eyes closed and waiting to hear all the wonderful things her family has to say about her on her demise.
Little did she know......

For our "eulogies" we were given 2 guidelines:
1) You had to say the thing you'd miss/remember about her most
2) You had to provide a prop that represented that memory to leave with her in the "coffin"

I was first giving my remembrance. I left her a can of Diet Coke to thank her for setting me on the path of addiction, as well as to make sure she had a "fix" while she waited to be resurrected, and a diaper because for as long as I can remember my mom hasn't been able to cough/run/jump/walk/laugh/breath without wetting her pants. Yes, I take after her. Thank you mom for all you've given me.

For James' gift he left a threadbare towel, because my mom is notorious for not throwing anything (and I do seriously mean anything) away until it falls apart stitch by stitch. He also gave her an eyebrow pencil so she could make sure her brows were on when she went to the next world (I'm not sure if I've shared this story before, but it involves James and mom sitting together in a booth at Iceberg and James deciding to see if he could wipe off mom's eyebrows with his finger. As he found out to her chagrin, yes he could. The story now lives in infamy in family folklore)

My sister Amanda gave her a pair of giant granny undies to thank her for teaching her to be pure and modest

Then she gave her a G-string to thank her for also teaching her to be a little bit naughty.
(Back story: for the last 10 years my mom has given my sister a thong for every Christmas and Easter. They are usually pretty scanty and fugly. It's hilarious. And in case you are wondering, no she doesn't really wear them.)

My brother Chris, the newly returned RM, gave mom a pillow so that she could always remember that he refused to sleep in his own bed, thus sharing hers, for the first 12 years of his life. I'm not sure if he's overcome that yet.- I'll get back to you.

Noah's gift was a remote, because Grandma is always telling him to turn the volume down. I don't have a picture of Tay's gift, and she'd kill me if I disclosed what it was, but let's just say that she did something to my dad in Grandma's honor.

Here's the final picture of all her offerings. They include a plate of unfinished dinner from my niece Shelby (nothing drives my mom more nuts than wasted food), a jacket from my niece Sydnee (because Grandma always gets after her for not wearing one), a fart machine from my sis-in-law Rebekah, a copy of "Silence of the Lambs" from my brother Ben (goes back to a month-long grounding incident in high school), and a double ended key from my dad- one end is the key to his brain, and the other the key to his heart. She was such a good sport, and I'm pretty sure she was glad she had a diaper on because she was laughing so hard something definitely sneaked out :)

After the mockeral, Chris decided to try on the thong.

Pretty hot huh? He's single ladies.

Somehow after having cake and ice cream, Tay decided that Grandpa's lack of eyebrows needed to be remedied (are you seeing a trend here? It's not by chance that my parents are so perfectly matched for each other? Please, please let me keep my eyebrows though).

For some reason, Tay decided that if Grandpa really still had brows they'd be red, so out came the red lip liner.

He was a good sport when she said, "Grandpa, if you have eyebrows again that has to mean that you have hair again" Since we all remembered his black fro from the 70's, she decided to recreate it.

From there it just got out of control

Ben came to help with the beautification

Can you tell just how much this man loves his grand kids? What else would convince him to let this happen???

Can I just say that my family ROCKS? They are so much fun- we laugh so much it hurts (and more than one of us pees). But we are also fiercely protective of each other, and we'd go to the ends of the earth to help each other. I am so blessed to be apart of this crazy clan!


  1. I trully love your mom and dad! They are amazing people! And they will both always have a special place in my heart!

  2. okay, Now I'm really dying. that was hilarious. You guys make me laugh so hard.

  3. Mom has almost forgiven us for it. Luckily my dad turns 60 this summer so she can get back at him rather quickly. We are naughty though :)