When people enter my kitchen for the first time, one of the first questions they ask upon spying the not-so-subtle chrome monster snuggling up to the refrigerator is "is that your bread machine?"

Obviously these people don't know me well.

The goody-tush-oos ( I have NO clue how to spell that) Molly Mormon that hides away in the farthest recesses of my psychie wants to say "yes, it is! I bake my own bread from wheat that I grinded by hand out of my two year supply. I also raised the chickens that layed the eggs and churned the butter provided by the milking cow in my back yard..." (wait, is there even butter in bread?) Fortunately, the feminist, card carrying Democrat that occupies the rest of my brain takes over before I can put on my apron and sign up to teach an Enrichment class on 101 creative ways to use Rhodes dough. I am what I am, and baker I am not.

My bread machine lookalike is in actuality an ice machine, or as I call it, the best $200 I've ever spent. Many people do not realize it (ignert people, as my momma would call them) that ice making is a complex combination of science and art. It must have the correct volume and "crunchability". It can't be too big or too hard (hee hee, did I really just write that??) My ice machine- no, no, the name does not give it justice: from hence forth it will be known as the Michelaguano- has achieved near ice perfection. For those of you who remember the fame of the Draper Kicks ice, or the ghetto Taco Time (not that fancy, way too clean new one on 116th) ice, just know that mine is better, AND it comes in 3 different sizes. For this reason, I am not ashamed to declare to all the world that I don't have to bake bread, for I make ice miracles.

For those ice novices out there who don't know what to look for in superior ice, here is a list of the best ice purveyors around (in no specific order):

• Nancy's on Antelope: Okay, it's really the Phillips 66 next to the Davis Medical Center but there is a fantastic tiny woman with no teeth named Nancy who works there. When The King and I have a hankering for a beverage, we say, "let's go see Nancy". Nancy's gets bonus points for having red creme soda on tap (mix a shot with your Diet Coke and it is carbonation perfection).
• McDonalds: I realized a long time ago that the ONLY reason to go to McD's is for their drinks. It may be an urban legend, but I hear they have their own "special" Coke product syrups. Lost in the fame of these fantastic drinks is the McDonald's ice, which I would say is the icing on the top of the whole experience. Bonus points for selling bags of the ice for only $.99!!!!
• Holiday Oil on 123rd: Great ice, but they loose a point automatically for being a Sinclair station.
• Bajio: Yummy ice- the small, crunchy kind. Plus, the pineaple shrimp salad is fantastic!
• Sonic: Yummy ice- the small crunchy kind, but REALLY CRAPPY FOOD!
• Alta View Hospital/and IHC hospital: wierd, yes, but I have many a fond memory of the cafeteria from being a candy striper (I almost put stripper- woo woo). Getting hospital ice almost made it worth having to wear that hideous dress and pass out water on Friday nights. Oh who am I kidding, I had no social life! It was the highlight of my week.

Happy ice hunting!!!!

And YOU"RE WELCOME!