Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Flashback to....thirteen years of road trips.

Inevitably, every time The King and I go on a long car ride the conversation always turns to who we are allowed to marry in the event that the one of us dies. I have convinced TK that I wont ever remarry ( because gals, it's taken 13 years to train and mold him into what I want and there's no way I'm starting over with a new model), but I am all too aware that he will be taking numbers at my funeral. Although I'm resigned to the fact that I'll be replaced within 6 months, I need someone who loves me more than they love him to promise that they'll make sure that the following occurs:

#1: I get a black coffin with a red velvet interior. I'd like both the Diet Coke and U of U emblems embossed all over the lid (hey, Larry H. Miller had racing stripes). Green Day's "Time of My Life" has to be played at the funeral by someone with at least above average guitar skills, and sung by a male with a good voice but no vibrato (envision an 8th grade guitar II student playing while Pavarotti sings and you'll get what I'm saying). I know this is a little creepy and a lot morbid, but these are the only things I demand upon death so the more people that know, the better the chance that they'll actually happen.
#2: The "Replacement Wife" cannot be better looking than I am. I know this is a subjective criteria, dependent on personal tastes and biases and how you'd rate me, but I trust that if you love me you won't allow some little (under 5'5), blonde, busty, size 2 trophy wife to take my place. She is allowed, however, to be a good cook (because I am not and after all this time my hubby deserves a wife that will cook meat for him), a "sweet spirit" (Ha ha- again, so not me) and a great mom (if she's not I'll haunt her and anyone who approved of her).

After we've establish that The King will marry some homely, frumpy little mouse and I will turn to a bitter, lonely old croonie, the road trip talk usually evolves into who I/we (okay, I'll be honest, it's usually just me because the King is too PC and smart to tell me who he thinks is hot) would run away with, if we had the choice of anyone in the world and with each other's blessing. My list has evolved over the years (it used to include a few professional wrestlers and Americal Idol contestants, but I've grown up a little in the last year), but as it stands the candidates are:
*Simon Baker- Newest member of "The List" and has the distinction of replacing Big Sexy from the WWF (when Big Sexy cut off his pony tail the thrill was gone). Check out his eyes, they are beautiful.
*Gerard Butler- One small caveat to this Scottish hottie- he has to look like he did in Phantom, not all roided up like in 300.
*Hugh Jackman- Yummy. Enough said.
* The guy who plays Zach Slater on All My Children- I'm not sure what it says about me that I can't remember his real name, just his Soap character. Hopefully he'll go the way of other great Soapies and find his way to primetime....maybe on 24???
*Antonio Banderas- Yes he's old and not quite what he used to be, but who is? Zorro is still one of those all time great ovary-tickling movies.
*Syler on Heroes- No I am not the kind of girl who falls for and marries serial killers on death row. I just can't remember this actor's real name either. He's going to be Spock on the new Star Trek movie, and for those of you who don't know The King, he looks a lot like him (and Uncle Jesse on Full House).
*Jeremy Northam- His appeal is 90% fantastic accent, 10% everything else. I could probably say the same for Hugh Grant, Colin Firth and Ewan MacGregor. Here's a little trivia. Can you name which Jane Austen movie each of these cuties has starred in????
* My all time favorite and longest standing member of the list is.......
Shemar Moore!!!!!!
He is the epitome of aesthetic perfection. He has made Criminal Minds the one and only show I religiously watch every week. I'll even watch reruns. Over, and over, and over.

I almost forgot to include my list of fictional characters who would be on the list if they suddenly inhabited a cellular and oxygenated form:
* Mr. Darcy
* Colonel Brandon
* Superman
* Jacob Black
* Sirius Black
* Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid (my neice Shelby will fight me tooth and nails for this one)

The King's list is much, much shorter. His one and only is Elizabeth Shue, but as he hasn't seen her in anything since the Karate Kid and that really bad spy movie with Iceman/Mad Mardigan, I'm not sure he'll be happy with what he gets. His fictional list is definitely much longer, and includes the likes of Wonder Woman, Jessica Rabbit and the chick on Thunder Cats. I think that La Femme Nikita would have made it on there if Peta Wilson wasn't a baritone.

Maybe I should just make his list for him. Those girls from Jem and the Holigrams were pretty hot.

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