No Grandma, We Can't Get "Debbie Does Dallas" from Redbox......

My Poor Grandma.

This dear 5'0" ball of Scotch fury and will has really been feeling the weight of her 84 years since having hip replacement surgery almost 2 years ago. It is so hard to watch the woman who used to flip 50 pound bales of hay and drive large farm machinery unable to manipulate stairs or uneven walkways.

But she is still bound and determined to be as independent as possible. That means, of course, that she has refused to give up the car keys despite the number of new mysterious dents in the doors and fender. I don't think she's hitting other cars (at least I hope not- maybe I should ask her if she knows what constitutes a hit and run). It's more likely (and much less expensive if the case goes to small claims court vs. a criminal trial) that she's hitting light posts, shopping carts, curbs or other non-moving targets. Still, it will be a very difficult day, sure to be followed by immediate expulsion from her will, for the the family member who finally says "enough is enough- the keys are gone" (I call "Not It"!)

While Granny says over and over that her body and mind are giving out on her, I swear that parts of her are actually getting sharper and more defined. Most notably, a naughty sense of humor has emerged that I never would have thought possible 20 years ago.

I knew something had changed quite a few years back when she got hooked on the short lived show "Are You Hot or Not?". I'm not sure which network developed the show, but it sounds like something that would come out of Fox. It quickly became a mainstay of her weekly television schedule. I'm pretty sure she was the only person on the planet who shed quiet tears when it was cancelled.

Lately she has been deliberately vague about the mysterious, unknown vehicles seen parked in her driveway late at night. As she lives next door to both her daughters, it is impossible for the poor lady to have any secrets. When questioned as to the identity of her illusive visitors, she simply states that her male friends come and go as they please, and people shouldn't be so nosy. She's just kidding of course (you're kidding, right grandma? Oh wait, she'll never see this in a million years- she's never even touched a computer. Note to self- ask Granny if she's kidding about her boy toys), and we jokingly tell her not to get pregnant or at least get a prenup. But this wicked little sphinx of a grandma was a shocking revelation- a complete reversal of my adolescent image of her. It's almost the same feeling as realizing for the first time how babies are made and that your parents actually did that to each other (and now I have to burn that image from my brain again).

I bring all of this up because of a classic "new, improved perverted granny" story my mom told me on Saturday. Last week granny had to buy a new television because her old one was not equipped to receive an HD signal (you know those little digital transition boxes they've been promoting for months? They should have just been advertised to "old people who refuse to give up their manual knob TVs" and sponsored by the AARP). TV has become very important to her sanity as she has a hard time sleeping and often wakes up at 3 AM. She has a "middle of the night" ritual of eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's Pralines N' Cream ice cream and watching TV until either sleep comes or the sun rises.

After my kind and very patient uncle finished installing the set and giving her a tutorial on Remote 101, granny had but one question before he could leave:

"What channel will I get my porn on?"

What an unbelievably cool lady. I bet my poor uncle was speechless.

I love the sweet, reserved grandma of my childhood, and I love the funny, witty grandma that she has become. I love that she laughs through her pains and smiles often though I know she misses grandpa very hour of the day. I love that she is a strong, honest, moral and giving woman who is just a little bit bent like the rest of us. Her imperfections make her perfect in my eyes.

But just as a precaution, I really think that we should get her blacklisted from every major cable company.