I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...............

From the appearance of my feet, you would honestly think I have spent the last 5 years working barefoot in a cactus plantation, or working in a prison camp gravel pit while wearing flip-flops.

Yes, they are that ugly.

And cracked, and dry, and nobby. My toenails are painfully short because they keep breaking. I have so many scars you could make a connect the dot game out of them. I have hideous mutant feet.

Normally they don't bother me. But with the onset of summer it's time to pull out the sandals that have been in hibernation since November and stow away the tennis shoes and boots. Since only men over 65 can get away with wearing socks with their sandals, I've had to unveil my fugly feet for their mandatory 3-4 month plague on the world.

If I had any charity in my heart I would refuse to wear any foot wear that did not completely cover the offending areas. But being the inherently selfish creature that I am, and hating foot sweat more than any other kind of body sweat (even the kinds that produce offensive odors), I display them for the world to loathe.

They must be exceptionally fugly this year because my mom offered to give me a pedicure tonight. She knows that I refuse to go to a nail salon for a pdicure, because I don't really like people touching me (I'm not a robot- I'm just not a touchy feely person. Even the thought of getting a massage from a stranger makes me queasy), and especially not in areas I'm embarrassed by. My mom and my sister Fancy swear by them though, so they decided that if I won't join them they'll bring the salon to me.

For 2 hours tonight I was scraped, buffed and polished. My heels are now almost crack free, and my toe nails are a fantastic shade of electric blue. As a bonus, my fingernails got a coat too! I can't stop looking at my almost-pretty feet. They are no where near foot model material, but for the first time in ages they don't look like they belong to an 85 year old woman who really did have to walk 5 miles up hill & barefoot to get to school.

I'd say that I'm resolved to take better care of them from now on, but I'm a bad liar, even if I'm just lying to myself. They'll be back to bag-lady shape in no time.

But for tonight, I'm just going to enjoy them.